Opinion » Maxed Out

'The Drumpf Who Stole Winter'



All the people in Whistler liked Winter a lot.
But the Drumpf living south of the border did not!
Old Drumpf hated Winter! The whole Winter season!
Now don't ask him why. To question him's treason!

It could be his heart's just not in the right place.
It could be, perhaps, the cold wrinkles his face.
But I think the most likely best reason of all,
Could be that his brain is two sizes too small!

Whatever the reason, I'm sure I don't know,
He sat in the Oval, just dreading the snow.
Squinting outside with a moronic look,
He feared that the answer might lie in a book.
For he knows every Shredder in all mountain towns,
Was praying for snow, for a chance to slide down.

"They're waxing their boards, preparing their gear."
"Cuz Winter is coming, it's practically here."
He scowled, and he grimaced, said frantically humming,
"I MUST find a way to stop Winter from coming!"

For soon, even he knew it had to start snowing
If not, he was sure the snow guns would start blowing.
And then! Oh, the COLD! Oh, the COLD! COLD! COLD! COLD!
That's something he hated! The COLD! COLD! COLD! COLD!

Then Shredders and Skiers would jump high for joy
They'd leave their warm houses, they'd ride their best toy.
They'd WHOOP and they'd HOLLER, like some ancient beast,
T'was something the Drumpf couldn't stand in the least.

But then they'd do something he liked least of all!
They'd all be so happy, they'd have quite a ball.
They'd re-live their day, they'd remember it dear,
They'd bask in their glory, all feeling No Fear.

They'd drink and tell lies and they might start to sing.
They'd stay until closing and Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!
And the more the Drumpf thought of this whole Winter fling,
The more he just knew he must stop this bad thing.
"For all of my life, I've hated the snow!"
"I've got to stop winter! It's just got to go!"

Then he had an idea. An awful idea.
The Drumpf got a horrible, awful idea.
"I know what I'll do!" Donnie laughed right out loud.
And called his advisors, convened quite a crowd.
"We'll get rid of Winter! It's a terrorist foe!
"We'll turn up the heat! We'll melt all the snow!

"We just need more heat. More greenhouse effect!
"We'll burn more clean coal, no one'll suspect!
"The air might get smoggy! The air might get foul!
"The Greenies will protest, they'll raise quite a howl.
"They'll march in the streets and call me bad names.
"We'll call it fake news, the media's so lame!

"If that doesn't do it, we'll fire up a war!
"I'll nuke Rocket Boy. I'll settle that score!
"You know he's pure Evil. You know he's insane!
"He called me a dotard! Sure seems like fair game!
"We don't need no allies. I'll shout real loud.
"We'll blow his arse skyward on a big mushroom cloud!"

It seemed like a good plan, a sure-fire hit.
Drumpf liked the idea, he smiled just a bit.
But then Chief John Kelly, said, "Sir, I don't know."
"A nuclear winter might just mean more snow!"
But then the Drumpf laughed, his belly got jiggly
He loved his idea, he loved it so bigly.

"So what!" said the Drumpf. "We'll just burn more coal.
"We'll buy bigger cars. Ooo, is that an eggroll?
"We'll turn up the heat, I'm liking this plan.
"We'll light huge bonfires. Just like the Klan.
"We'll blame all the liberals, and those Democrats.
"They won't do what I want, they're such whiny brats."

The plan was a good one, the plan wouldn't fail.
Drumpf thought to himself, feeling hearty and hale.
"I think it's too risky?" John Kelly piped up.
"This plan could backfire, we ought to back up!"
"No, I'm moving forward," the Drumpf didn't care.
He puckered his lips, he combed over his hair.

But up in the mountains, the Whistlerites moaned,
"No snow since November, it's dry as a bone!
"November, December, and hardly a flake,
"El Niño, El Schmiño, Jeez, give us a break.
"Are we still a ski town? A Mountain Resort?
"If it doesn't snow soon, we'll have to abort!"

But Drumpf wasn't worried, and Drumpf didn't care,
He didn't like Winter, or snow in his hair.
"This plan will take time!" He said it with mirth.
"I'll keep them distracted and warm up the Earth.

"Oh think how they'll blubber, oh think how they'll cry.
"No Winter! No snow! Boy, they'll wonder why.
"It'll all be like Texas. So hot and so bare.
"Hell, man I don't ski. So what do I care?"

But Shredders and Skiers had faith and good cheer.
We kept all our gear waxed and ordered more beer.
We knew snow would fall soon. We knew it would come.
You can't stifle Winter. Even Drumpf's not that dumb.

And then it just happened. First one flake, two, three.
And soon we were ripping and shouting with glee.
The tourists will come soon, the season will start.
The Drumpf won't beat Winter, the crusty old fart.

But maybe next year or the year after that.
The warming will catch us, our season'll fall flat.
We'll moan and we'll cry and great tears we will shed.
We'll pull up our covers and stay in our bed.

We'll go further north and we'll make it our home.
We'll ski in Alaska, Kamchatka or Nome.
'Cuz Shredders and Skiers are optimists all.
We know the best season'll follow the Fall.
We'll ski and we'll board and we'll fall with a thump.
And sooner or later we'll get rid of Drumpf!

Oh joy, oh rejoicing when Drumpf is no more,
When sanity comes back and we've squared the score.
A world without Drumpf is a world with more hope,
A world where there's joy and more snow on the slope.

Merry Christmas to all and sincere apologies to Dr. Seuss.