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Summer of Funny

The best of the not unfunny



Page 4 of 20

Did I mention that he's naked as a peach? Oh, yes my friend. I squint to see his nipples, pink as eraser heads, at 11:00 and 1:00.

And at 6:00...

What's that?

Who, me?

He's motioning something. I look behind me, then back over the water to him. He's pointing. At me. His gaze pierces my soul. I completely forget that I'm holding a half-peeled hard-boiled egg. Understanding washes over me like syrup over a pancake. He wants me to join him on the raft.

"Come alone," he says. The wind carries his words to me. I'm sure of it.

Mom! Mom! Where's my boogie board! Mom! Petey's hogging the boogie board! Mom! Mom! Lexi ate all the chips! Don't push! Mom! He's pushing me! Hey! Hey! That was my egg!

It's staggering how much one can block out when the love of one's life is beckoning, naked, from across a mountain lake. Staggering.

I step out of my Birkenstocks, point my arms over my head and dive in, forgetting that I don't know how to dive. My belly, triceps and thighs all hit the water simultaneously with a loud thwack. I am unphased. In fact, the burning sensation makes me feel alive. The sting, the slap of lust vibrates through me. I grab the ladder quickly and catch my breath.

Mom? I hear faintly. Mom? Are you okay? You've got all your clothes on.

My senses are keen, my lungs fully oxygenated. I feel like I'm 40 again. I take my hair-band out and tilt my head back, throat to the sky. I can swim! I can swim to my love!  "Yes!" I sing out, exhilarated, shaking my hair in the waves. The teens hang silently on their tube, watching me with envy. The wiener dog looks up from chewing someone's flip flop. An egg bobs in the water beside me.

"Here I come, my love!" Oh, this mermaid is a long way from Saskatchewan.

I bend my knees and get ready to push away from the dock and bullet through the water like a trout. No, a dolphin. Or an electric eel.