A&E » Arts

Southern fried rockers causing chaos



What: Trailer Park Throwdown

Who: White Cowbell Oklahoma

Where: The Garibaldi Lift Co.

When: Monday, Feb. 10

Dig out the denim cut-offs and fill the hip flask full of moonshine for the southern-fried, cousin-loving, 10-piece rock ’n’ roll orchestra White Cowbell Oklahoma is on its way to Whistler for the first and possibly last time, if the authorities have a say in it.

The GLC turns tacky and tasteless from mid-afternoon Monday. Find a bargain at Chilly’s Trailer Trash garage sale first and then stay for the show, guaranteed to be the filthiest, nastiest display known to man.

That’s the big call coming from Bell member, the gee-tar strummin’ and PCP pipe smokin’ Clem, but as you’ll see from our interview, he may not be far off the mark. The bad boy of the back woods talked to us about life on the road, business on the side and his penchant for women.

Pique: You’re poor folk from the farm. Are you nervous about coming to swanky Whistler?

Clem: We may be men from the land but we have a lucrative side business in imports dealin’ exclusively with Columbia and Bolivia. Dang, that’s what made us our fortunes! In fact we are arriving in our own private 747 complete with electrified rodeo, massage parlour, several bars and our own whiskey distillery.

Pique: Well it’s good to see you have a career to fall back on if the music fails. You may want to try the B.C. bud then.

Clem: We got some already. We got about 900 pounds of it. In fact we have our own grow room in the 747.

Pique: What have you learned about Whistler in preparation for this event?

Clem: I’ve hard there’s lots of beautiful snow bunnies there. We love the mountains as they remind us of certain women’s anatomical regions. We are gonna come and explore them to their full potential.

Pique: You’re arriving here after a cross-Canada tour, how do you amuse yourself on those long journeys in between towns?

Clem: We’ve been doing a little Big Foot huntin’ and havin’ Big Foot BBQs late at night. We always hit deer ’n’ elk after a few too many whiskey ’n’ tranquilizers. We also have a travellin’ casino where we pick up travellers at the Greyhound station and leave them at the next one. We also rob banks. Mainly we are runnin’ from the law all day.

Pique: How did you wind up musicians then?

Clem: In the middle of a crime spree, drivin’ around robbing places, our sixth guitarist, Hollis had one of his episodes. He thought he saw his ex wife so he sped up and our van went through a music store window. In the ensuing melee, we took all these instruments and later on started playing them. Hence the southern fried, porno, shock rock, sex mix that is White Cowbell Oklahoma.

Pique: I’m worried you might offend the artistic, peace-loving vegetarians in this town.

Clem: Gawdam, you should see the effect we have on hippies and vegos. Five minutes into our set they’ll be ripping their clothes off, taking narcotics, engaging in lewd acts of sexual abandon. The hardest vegetarian hippie girl has been known to shave her legs and cook herself a steak right there in the burnin’ embers of the stage.

Pique: How many of the Cowbell family are coming?

Clem: A contingent of 10. We got the Sheriff, because we promised him a share of the illegal proceeds, and we have a Nubian princess known as Roseanne Lagina. She is the best singer you ever heard and vicious in a knife fight. The whole Cowbell family is very excited about our first time in Whistler and the audience, rest assured, will be changed forever. You’ll be a dirtier, filthier, deprived, depraved, deviled and generally better person for it.

Advance tickets are available at the GLC for $12 in advance or $15 at the door. (Note: Cowbell are actually a parody band of rock ’n’ rollers from Toronto, so tongues in cheek are expected.)