Hey big guy,
Sorry, I know you're sensitive about your weight, I shouldn't call you that. You're obviously just big-boned.
Soooooo, pretty crazy week eh? My Hotmail has been overflowing with emails, and not only with desperate messages from Nigerian princes. I think we're really handling this whole Crackgate scandal thingy pretty well, don't you? Your approval rating may have dropped to 39 per cent, but that's still only slightly worse than your average at Carleton, and look how all that turned out!
Besides, those 10,000, "Only Guilty of Having a Good Time" magnets you ordered are sure to sway the public's opinion once and for all. The salt of the Earth Torontonians (a.k.a. suburbanites) that make up your voter base sure do appreciate a good party, not like those wet blanket, bleeding-heart Star reporters hell-bent on your downfall. I bet you they wouldn't know a crack rock if it smacked them in their stupid horn-rim-bespectacled faces.
And how did Toronto's boys in blue all of a sudden become the authority on illegal narcotics? I've watched as much Chappelle's Show as the next guy, and I'm pretty sure I never saw that Tyrone Biggums fellow using a glass pipe. Maybe I'll send ole' Billy Blair that YouTube clip as evidence. Good plan huh? As your official legal advisor, however, I do have to recommend you make the switch over to corncob. Our data suggests using corncob pipes instead of glass tends to eliminate confusion among voters who for some strange reason associate glass pipes with severe drug abuse. It could also lend you an air of sophistication — not that you're not sophisticated already! Plus, General MacArthur loved his corncob pipe, and that dude was badass.
I don't wanna question you and Dougie's strategy or anything, but are you absolutely sure you want the public to see the video? I mean, I realize you were just smoking a little reefer to unwind — being mayor of the fourth-largest city in North America is no clandestine stroll in the park — but you know how those pesky media types can get, what with their reporting and their fact-checking and whatnot. It's like you can't even go to a reputed crack den anymore to have some hangs with your drug dealer pals without catching the third degree. What is this world coming to?
Marion Berry won't stop calling me. He said he's willing to give you free political advice. Well, not free exactly, he wants a bunch of coke. I gave him Sandro's number. Maybe we should listen to him? He did get re-elected for a fourth term as D.C.'s mayor after getting caught on tape high as a Virginia pine with an undercover cop posing as a hooker after all. I think he would make for a great addition to your annual backyard barbecue bash.
I heard you on the radio yesterday. Or was it "Ian from Etobicoke"? Haha! Great job at disguising your voice, I don't think anyone realized it was you. Yep, no one at all. You sounded like a natural, maybe you and Doug should host your own show.
Have you seen those super cool surveillance photos of you and Lisi chilling in a parking lot? It was like watching a Canadian version of The Wire, only with more vodka and McDonald's wrappers.
By the way, I'm not upset or anything, but next time you go out for a boys' night, I wanna come too. Stoli, Big Macs and peeing on trees are pretty much my fave things ever. Probably your e-vite got sent to my junkmail by accident. That darn Hotmail acting up again!
I saw Leno cracking jokes about you on the boob tube. I said cracking! Sorry, I didn't mean to. You're basically famous in the U.S. now, you should seriously consider getting your own reality show after you step down from ... err, I mean win re-election next year and serve out your second term in full. I'm sure TLC would be all over that. I mean if Sarah Palin can do it, so can you.
Have you considered just copping to the whole thing and heading to jail for a while? Not saying you're guilty or anything, but who knows? Maybe a little R&R might do you some good and we all know how amazing you look in orange. Not at all like a pumpkin. You live in Etobicoke anyway, and that can't be much better than prison. You'd basically lock down the coveted convict demographic before your triumphant return to city politics, not to mention the junkie vote.
Dennis Morris, ESQ.
PS. Mike Duffy sent you another fruit basket, which is odd, since everyone knows you haven't touched a piece of fruit in years. He told me to tell you he threw in some chocolate covered Jujubes though. He said they're more addictive than crack. LOL! What a jokester.
PPS. Oh, just saw the news. You admitted it. Bold move. Expect a bill in the mail soon. Don't forget I charge by the hour.