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God Damn The English: A global deconstruction

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More people speak Mandarin, Swedish is more fun, and Romance languages sound better in bed (a true acid test), but like it or not, English is now the global idiom. There are many reasons - historic, economic, military, cultural (BTW, you can add "imperialism" after each of those) - but it really comes together as a reckoning force in places catering to tourists. And invasions. As native English-speakers we should be honoured, right? Who cares if Webster's and The Oxford Concise in the hands of foreign mining interests yield familiar words minced in an unrecognizable salmagundi. (Yes, you'll have to palm one of those volumes to find that one.)

Here's the problem. In their haste to adapt, many cultures have jumped on the English bandwagon without knowing where they're going or how to steer. Inevitably this has led to serious butchery of the King's English - a global scourge of malapropisms and misspellings. Nobody has done it better than the Japanese, with their abstract interpretations of verbal iconography, pervasive enough to have spawned it's own industry: "Jinglish."

Engrish, Japlish and Janglish are other terms for Japanese English, but Jinglish says it best: most of the English is used in advertising, with no concern for what it actually means, only that it looks or sounds good - like a jingle. Several websites devoted to the distillation and culture of what is essentially nonsense ( engrish.com being the consistently riotous), can't do justice to seeing it in real life. A list of gems from my last trip to Japan: Don't worry, be smile (restaurant table card); Please remind that it is easy to be drunk in the upper air (on the back of an airline seat); Please remember to lock up a key (hot-spring locker room); The Wildnature Glow Up the Land (National Park bumper sticker). And, of course, nothing beats a good Jinglish t-shirt slogan ( F**k off-I already has enough friends!) , which seem to aim for maximum ridiculousness ( Seeking their own personality, it is good to be sticky about things, isn't? Glittering curiosity. ), approach haiku ( Native irreligious language. War, no nukes. Native future innocent landscape.), or be in search of a bowling team:

 

Locomotive

*HIKERS*

Try To Be Dream

 

Jinglish isn't alone. As China prepared for the 2008 Summer Olympics, English signs popped up everywhere, even more nonsensical, because, like most Chinese manufactures, they were Jinglish knock-offs. Aware of this embarrassment, the government began a program to clean up Beijing's Chinglish signage; in typical heavy-handed fashion, authorities asked residents to report the visible use of erroneous English, which they did in droves: Come in is forbidden in case of penalty (no trespassing); Welcome to come (enter); Receives the silver (cashier). Chinese entrepreneurs liked the t-shirt idea, too, adding the mystifying dimension of not finishing a sentence:

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