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’Twas the Night before Christmas, version 3.0

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"Twas da nite B4 Xmas"

And all through the streets

Everybody was texting

And checking their tweets.

 

The stockings weren't hung

But the LED lights glowed bright

And we knew if St. Nick showed up

He'd think our display was tight.

 

The cell phones were chargin'

Tuckered out temporarily

As iTunes rocked Lady Gaga

So joyful and merry.

 

And I on NinjaVideo

Laptop in bed

With a bottle of micro-brew

To keep me well-fed.

 

When out in the parking lot arose such a sound

I ran to Google Street View to see what could be found

"Holy, check this out!" I called to my boyfriend

"This scene, is it real? Or is it pretend?"

 

What, to our wondering eyes, did appear?

A decked-out sled with the latest 2010 gear!

And a little green engine, so trim and quieted

I knew in a moment, it must be hybrid.

 

And there in the front

Sat an energetic grand-dad

Dressed all in Gortex

With Blackberry in hand.

 

"Hello? North Pole! North Pole?"

We heard him bellow to the phone

But the voice recognition software wasn't working

His instructions went unknown.

 

And then, in sound bite, I heard in my house

The old man suddenly bumblin' and stumblin' and fumblin' about

"What's going on?" I ran to his clatter

"Is everything alright? Is something the matter?"

 

It was then I noticed his skin looking sallow

His expression forlorn, his checks somewhat hallow

"This recession's weighed terribly on production this year

We've worked 'round the clock to crank out Christmas cheer."

 

"I don't know if I can continue at this pace,

I think my heart will explode with the never-ending haste

And with overpopulation, Christmas night's now a pain

Delivering 6.7 billon presents, it's slightly insane."

 

"But I guess it is not that bad," he added, his voice getting higher

"In a few years my RRSP kicks in, and then I retire."

And then in a twinkle, the old man opened his brown sack

He still delivered with my presents! Red, blue, green, and black.

 

I couldn't quite tell if he wanted to cry or laugh

But I knew I still had to ask for a Facebook photograph

We stood side-by-side as I held the camera out and snapped

A pic of Santa with a hang-ten, and me looking amped.

 

Then the old man said "Goodbye," time for him to go

He put back on his boots and trudged into the snow

With his Blackberry still in hand, to his sled he gave a whistle

And away the thing blasted, like a bullet from a pistol.

 

And through the night sky's mist, I spied the moon

Lighting up the mountains like a blue bird day at noon

And, despite his despair, I heard 'Claus exclaim as he vanished from sight

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

 

 

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