Opinion » Maxed Out

Maxed Out

All the news for April 1

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In a groundbreaking public-private partnership, the Muni has granted two commercial fishing licences for driftnetters to operate on the River of Golden Dreams. The fishers will be harvesting the wild Kokanee – the fish out here – that have returned in record numbers to the river as a result of (a) the back-breaking efforts of the Fisheries Stewardship group and numerous volunteer groups, and (b) luck.

Asked about the wisdom of establishing a commercial fishery on the RofGD, a muni worker requesting anonymity said, "Hey, it’s a twofer: we get money while the Kokanee last and we can get rid of those damn fences."

The other PPP initiative also embraces new and unusual ways to cash in on Whistler’s wildlife. Extreme Bear Wrestling licenses will be offered on a trial basis this summer to, as one wit around the hall put it, "People, well, tourists really, with more bravo than brains." Licencees will have the chance to accompany Whistler’s new bear manager and wrestle bears who have become habituated to human food, into relocation cages. "We used to just lure them in with pie," said yet another unnamed rumour-monger, "but now we can provide yet another mindless distraction for people in search of an ultimate adrenaline rush."

Municipal lawyers are hard at work drafting a new liability waiver for bear wrestlers to sign.

Life, as it turns out, is not a stage, it’s just a ring in the circus and we all are fools.