Opinion » Maxed Out

Maxed Out

Parking of the people, by the people, for the people



At the risk of eliminating myself before my Campagne de Fous ever really gets off the ground, I'd just like to say the world would be a much better place today if World War II had never happened. Now, if that seems just a bit facile to you, stay with me, it gets better.

Setting aside the various salient bits of geopolitical economics leading up to that war, it all came about because a humiliated, ostracized, financially ruined nation hitched its wagon to an imbecilic madman who promised to make them proud, strong and pure again. If this sounds vaguely reminiscent of the City of Toronto electing Rob Ford as mayor, well....

World War II was bad for many reasons. Lots of people died, the U.S. and Great Britain got into bed with Josef Stalin, thus setting the stage for the Cold War that followed, Japan got nuked and France refused to come to grips with what a powerless nation it had become, thus setting the stage for Vietnam.

It wasn't all bad though. With all the soldiers jumping out of airplanes under the arresting canopy of silk parachutes, nylon got a real boost, setting the stage for both the plastics revolution that dominates our lives and landfills to this day and, of course, pantyhose which, come to think of it, probably belong in the bad things paragraph. It was also a boon for army surplus stores well into the 1960s.

But the worst thing to come out of WWII, the real tragedy of that failure of diplomacy, the true spectre of worldwide destruction, was millions and millions of horny ex-GIs. They came home to a very receptive army of horny women. And with so many more women than surviving men, well, even the really ugly, loser guys got lucky. Since scientists were all working on making better plastics instead of inventing the birth control pill and because all the horny guys and gals boinked like bunnies, they produced the real reason the world would be much better place today if not for the war: the Baby Boomers.

From their tireless loins issued forth wave after wave of apocalyptic, mindless consumers, boys and girls who grew up and went on to ruin the world in ways that silly German house painter could only dream of.

Name any current ill threatening the destruction of homo sapiens - not to mention countless other species - and chances are pretty good you can lay it at the feet of Boomers. Environmental degradation? Boomers. World economic collapse? Boomers. Underfunded pensions? Boomers. The obesity epidemic? Boomers. Justin Bieber? Okay, you got me there but I'll bet if we follow the string far enough back we'll find Boomers lurking behind his bangs.