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Maxed out

The 2008 Maxies

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A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste : Little Stevie Hapless channels his inner idiot after mistaking his pointless election gains as a mandate to witch hunt the opposition. Singlehandedly resurrecting the word “prorogue” from the dustbin of history, he suspends Parliament at a time when national governments around the world are actually working on the global economic meltdown. Hope you enjoyed your holiday, Stevie.

The Best Is Yet to Come : Let us drink a toast to the past council’s heroic efforts to keep property taxes to a mere 5.5 per cent increase. What, you don’t think that was heroic? Wait ‘til this year. You’ll think that was a freakin’ miracle.

 

Olympics

If They Build It, Can Anyone Come : VANOC used this year’s World Cup test events to demonstrate their Spectator Deflector Shield — patent pending. Judging by the sprinkling of bodies along the courses and at the finish line, the SDS was a raging success. The takeaway message: Just stay home and watch it on TV.

And Squadrons of Flying Pigs Will Fill the Skies : “The new perception that through the Games, people can do more to protect the environment, I think, is the greatest legacy we can have.” And the gold medal in hypocrisy is awarded to… Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olympic Committee who actually said that. Go ahead, laugh.

Chicken Little Was a Terrorist Too : Thomas Quiggin, former RCMP, now security consultant, warned all who cared to listen that diverse groups of dangerous terrorists were coming together to protest the Olympics. Citing 19 “violent” acts of Olympic themed terrorism, spray painting among them, Chief Wiggum, er, Quiggin urged strong measures to counter the threat. Whaddya think, Tommy, we meet ’em on the streets with water balloons?

Old White Men Strike Again : Celebrating the true spirit of athletic excellence, the IOC decides women are best left in the kitchen and off the ski jump by barring women’s ski jumping. While you’re up in arms over the decision, fetch me a black coffee, honey.

I Love the Smell of Chainsaws in the Morning : What exactly are they going to call Celebration Plaza, née Lot 1/9, now that VANOC seems to be preparing to move the celebration part downvalley to Vancouver? Oh, I know, how about The Lost Forest.

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