Opinion » Maxed Out

Maxed out

Stupid decisions explained

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Dr. Oddone’s comments have to be kept in perspective though. The guy’s been in charge of the world’s most powerful machine in the world’s most powerful country. The Fermilab’s accelerator smashed bits together with the energy of 1 trillion volts, the kind of energy you’d have if you had a flashlight that held 667 billion AA batteries. The US was going to build a bigger machine, bigger even than the one in Geneva, but congress nixed it when the price tag rose to $11 billion, the cost of either 11 months or 11 hours of the war in Iraq, I can’t remember which.

The Large Hadron Collider will collide protons at an energy level of 5 trillion volts. You couldn’t make a flashlight that big so it doesn’t matter how many batteries that works out to.

Clearly, Dr. Oddone is feeling shrinkage and his comments should be understood in that context. He’s suffering shrinkage because, well, scientist or not, he’s a guy and the sad, unavoidable fact is guys think with their dicks. I’m sorry; I know this is a family publication and everything but I can’t sanitize the subject of dickthinking by calling it penilethought or something less offensive. If it bothers you too much, go back and read Feet’s movie reviews or rip out the back page before the kids come home.

Guys think with their dicks. Not all the time, of course, but frequently. More than once a day. Some guys think exclusively with their dicks. The thoughtful, well-meaning ones have fought long, hard — keep your mind out of the gutter here — consciousness-raising battles to keep their dickthinking to an absolute minimum but even at that level, it happens more frequently than you’d imagine.

I know this concept seems weird to the 50.4 per cent of you who only have a brain to do your thinking with. If I could explain the mechanics of it, I would. The fact is, I don’t understand it myself. I know it has something to do with men having external genitalia and learning, as boys, it’s the only true friend we can rely on for dependable solitary amusement and understanding. But like you, I always thought it was one of those things boys would outgrow when they became men.

Not so.

A respected philosopher and observer of the human condition — I think it was Robin Williams — once commented on the fact that the human male body has insufficient bloodflow to operate both the brain and the dick simultaneously. Guess which one dominates when both try to operate at the same time?