Opinion » Maxed Out

Maxed Out

The good news from the election, really



There are a lot worse things about the outcome of this week’s federal oh-no Canada election than the somber reality of rolling the phrase Prime Minister Harper round and round a brain unapologetically small-l liberal.

Excuse me, I need a cigarette after a rationalization as big as the great outdoors.

That’s better. Where was I? Oh yes, a lot worse things.

There is, for example, the nauseating sight of Canada’s newest power couple, Diamond Jack Layton and the insufferably shrill Olivia Chow. What once only plagued Toronto – Motto: What do you mean the rest of the country? – has become a pain to be felt from sea to sea to sea. That’s worse.

There is the chilling, and one can only hope woefully misplaced, speculation that the vacuous Belittle Stronach could emerge as a potential leadership candidate to guide the resurrection of the Liberal party, an idea so appalling one wonders whether she and Peter "The Weasel" McKay didn’t actually dream this nefarious plot up as a way of destroying the Libs once and for all. That’s so worse it could lead even me to join the Conservative party.

There is the numbing sameness of having Gilles "Cheesehead" Duceppe reelected, albeit with a stinging one-two punch of fewer seats and way less than 50 per cent of the Quebec vote, and the knowledge he’ll continue to gnaw at the ankles of power like a rabid ferret and be invited to the next leaders’ debate. That’s worse, in a familiar, recurring nightmare kind of way.

But the absolute worst thing to come out of this round of Democracy in Action is the very unfortunate phrase… I almost can’t bring myself to type it… pizza parliament.

Pizza parliament?!

I’m not generally a violent man. But I’d stand by and gleefully cheer if someone would cut the tongue out of whomever first uttered that moronic, infantile phrase. I’m not even sure what it means other than expressing the general comfort people feel for pie charts as opposed to bar graphs or columns of numbers. But if Conservative power means anything, a proposition still open to debate, it should mean they have the power to ban that obnoxious label.

There was, actually, a lot of good news in Monday night’s results. Hang on, I need another cigarette.

I know, you think I’m kidding. I can hear you now, "Is he kidding?" Hell no. I’m not kidding; I’m rationalizing. So here goes. This is the top 10 Best Spin list of reasons why a Canadian liberal shouldn’t be eyeing his gas oven and conjuring images of Sylvia Plath.