Opinion » Maxed Out

Maxed Out

A Twelve-Step program for Spring Break

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By G.D. Maxwell

Okay seekers, the most important thing to remember is this: You came to Whistler on your Spring Break to have Fun!

Sure, you may have thought you came to ski or board, but you’re confusing tactics with strategy. It’s fun you’re after and it’s fun you shall have… as long as you don’t get too hung up on what we’ve come to call challenging ski conditions, challenging being a PR stand-in word for grotesque beyond description, historically without parallel and cue-up-the-four-horsemen Armageddonlike.

The first thing you may have noticed is our new decorating theme – Earth Tones. Nice, in that organic, crunchie granola kind of way, don’t you think?

The second thing you may have noticed is diehard skiers moping around humming Commander Cody’s classic, Stems and Seeds Again Blues . Pay them no heed; they’re overly focused on their own One True Path. Kind of like a Lab waiting to see if you drop your hamburger, pathetic.

But you came all the way from Onterrible or the far-flung corners of B.C. for Spring Break Fun. Let’s get started. If you’re a family, this’ll be a grand opportunity for some Quality Family Time. Granted, it might extend to several more hours each day than you’d planned, but think of all the fun things you can do together. Better think fast; you’ve got lots of fun hours to fill.

And if you’re young, single and, momentarily, still sober, you didn’t really come to ski at all. You came to score. Without wasting your time mindlessly pursuing powder lines, think of how much greater your chances of success – not to mention your bar bill – will be!

But if you’re a diehard yourself, if your concept of a ski vacation is so narrow it doesn’t include driving up to Pemberton to play a round of golf or going fishing in one of our ice-free lakes, if you can’t embrace renting a bike and riding some single-track instead of renting skis and snorkeling pow – whatever that is – fear not. I feel your pain. Your concerns are my concerns. This probably isn’t a good time to mention I’m leaving town today to ski powder in Taos, is it? Heh, heh, heh….

For you, the few who just can’t let go of the dream, I’ve got the answer. No, it’s not swapping in your tickets and hotel and squandering your money on a quickie heliskiing trip, tempting though that may be. It’s the Skiers and Boarders Twelve-Step Program.

The first step is simple. You have to admit you are powerless over the intoxicating allure of skiing and boarding. That should be simple. You’re here! If your jones for skiing didn’t have complete control over your pathetic lives, you’d be down on some beach in Florida or Mexico poisoning yourselves on tequila and unfiltered ultraviolet rays. But you’re not. You’re here, fat skis and powder boards in tow, staring up at the mountains like a junkie searching an empty street corner for a dealer. Admit it; you’re hooked.

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