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Maxed Out

The essential points of Spring Break



By G.D. Maxwell

Welcome to Spring Break!

If you live in Whistler, you’re probably thinking, "Hey, didn’t we have spring break during the entire month of February?" Yes. Yes we did. And you can be understandably forgiven for wondering why in the world winter’s following spring this year. But this column isn’t for you.

This is the one I write every year to be nice to the tourists. The one I write to keep from getting those nasty letters Peter Vogler used to get whenever he’d get frustrated and let slip our dirty little secret… what a royal pain in the collective keester they can all get to be around this time of year. It was the second best thing I ever learned from him.

So Welcome! If you’re from the Old Country – Ontario – you’re just wrapping up your Spring Break and probably too bleary-eyed to even read this. Have a nice flight home. Thanks for coming. And remember to keep saying to yourself, "I had a great time in Whistler" when the credit card bills come in next month. We ’preciate it.

But if you’re from B.C., hey baby, the party’s just starting.

Now, everyone knows if you’re between the ages of 18 and 30 and single – what the ski industry likes to call the Redemption Generation and what Whistler condo owners who’re hoping to sell you their condo when their knees give out like to call Suckers: The Next Generation – you’re only here for two reasons: sliding down the hill during the day and sliding into the sack sometime before the sun comes up. In other words, to get laid. And let’s be frank; all the skiing and boarding, all the partying and merry-making is really just pretext for the real reason you’re here: getting laid.

And for those of you who, shall we say, fall on the older side of that demographic and have opted to spend a Family Vacation in Whistler with the kids, try to remember this: you got yourself into this predicament because some time in the past you successfully got laid during Spring Break. So cut the yahoos some slack when they wake you up at 2 a.m. puking outside your condo on the way home from Moe Joe’s. They’re just the losers going back to their rooms by themselves and let’s be honest, they probably remind you of yourself not so long ago. As for you young hooligans disdainfully looking at these upstanding citizens with kids: don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s not like we haven’t figured out where they come from.