Opinion » Maxed Out

Maxed Out

Wielding wisdom and a cleaver



By G.D. Maxwell

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there dwelt a king named Solomon. Solomon – Solly to his friends, of which he had many – was king of Israel, which was located pretty much where it is today but was a lot larger. Solly got the king gig from his daddy, David, who had also been king but was forced to resign for health reasons. I think he died.

Anyway, Solly was not only king, he was one bad party dude. Solly’s parties were legendary. They made the Extremely Canadian Pimp & Ho party look like a Ladies Who Lunch tea by comparison.

Heck, Solly’s life would have passed for a pretty wicked party. Dinner at his house consisted of about a hundred sheep, thirty oxen and a whole lot of venison and foul every single day. Needless to say, Solly was a bit on the porky side.

Of course, you have to put all that food into perspective. Solly was feeding a lot of people each day. He had, give or take, seven hundred wives, another couple hundred concubines and children far too numerous to accurately count. There were, according to ancient Israeli census records of the time, more youngsters named Solomon Junior than any other name in the land, including the ever popular Shimon. Remember too, this was way before Viagra.

As though this harem wasn’t enough, Solly also passed his love around to those with no official palace status. It was written he loved many strange women, which was a code for foreigners. Probably the most famous of these was the queen of Sheba, mother of Little Egypt, creator of the Hoochee Coo, founder of a long line of belly dancers. She came to Israel to witness Solly’s wisdom. Had she been a man and lived 2000 years later, she would have said she read Playboy for the articles. Whatever.

Aside from the fact he kept over a thousand women satisfied – already you have to wonder about the factual truth of Solomon’s legend – he wrote about a million proverbs, composed top 40 hits and ruled over a peaceful Israel, a state of bliss never known again in that breeding ground for terrorists.

He also built a grand edifice atop the holy Mount of Moriah, above the city of David. Solly called it the House of the Lord, which was what his daddy called it whenever he talked about building it himself, a task he never seemed to get around to. Everyone else called it Solomon's Temple and it became the resting place of the Ark of the Covenant, which Steven Spielberg turned into gold and two very successful sequels.

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