Forgive me if my letter seems particularly early this year. When I saw Second Cups ads in the newspapers encouraging people to order their holiday gift baskets I thought Id waited too long. Then I realized it was only Labour Day. Whatever happened to waiting until summer was at least over before cranking up the greed machine? How can you think Christmas while youre salving the last sunburn of the year? Oh well, maybe this little display of untimely avarice will move them closer to Starbucks as the coffee people love to hate.
More pragmatically though, I wanted to write early because I figured if youve been keeping tabs on all the weirdness going on youll be getting an early start yourself. Im not sure you can do it all in one night this year Ol Boy. It may take the better part of December just to clear security and customs when you fly into the USofA. And dont even think of including toy guns in this years bag. Ditto razor blades though why anyone would want razor blades for Christmas is beyond me. Theyre so Halloween.
If my list seems long this year forgive me. Considering how little of it you can actually deliver Im sure it wont place any undue burden on you and the elves.
Might as well start off with the biggie. For most of my life Ive considered you to be the raison dêtre of the holiday. Dont blush Nick, you know its true. So what Id really like this year is once and for all to take Christ out of Christmas. Dont get me wrong, I dont mean to pick on Christ or even Christianity; Im an equal opportunity agnostic. But with so much evil being wrongly done and lets not even get into historical atrocities in His name, be it God, new testament or old, or Allah, or Vishnu or whatever, the world would be a demonstrably better place if we left whomever we believe in to our hearts, not our politics. Think of it as a small, unilateral step towards peace.
Now Im sure the most reverend Jerry Falwell and his sidekick Pat Robertson will vehemently object to this but hey, I havent forgotten them. Please tuck half a brain in your bag for them to share. Its a whole lot more than either of them seem to have. They think what happened last week in New York was Gods way of punishing the USofA for becoming a secular, homo-toleratin, feminist bra-burnin, civil liberties kind of place instead of the intolerant, fundamentalist Christian dogma one theyd prefer. And please bring all the people who think theyre right one of those high-powered Petzl headlamps. It just has to be really hard for them to see much with their heads so far up their butts.