I have an unusual problem: I'm dirty stinkin' rich.
That's right. I have access to vast reserves of $, £ and € in banks and briefcases in Afghanistan, Algeria, Bahamas, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Egypt, Ghana, Holland, Hong Kong, Iraq, Italy, Ivory Coast, Japan, Liberia, Libya, Malaysia, New Zealand, Nigeria, Sierra Leone, South Africa, Switzerland, Tanzania, Thailand, United Arab Emirates, UK, USA and the World Bank (where is that, anyway?).
It's spread around because this seems the safest way to keep what amounts to several billion dollars — you can't be too careful in these days of identity theft and online crime. Should I choose to retrieve it in whole or in part, however, I may need your help, dear reader — in return for generous compensation, of course. Allow me to explain.
First, I know I'm wealthy beyond measure because yesterday, the day before that, and virtually every day prior going back several years, I've received emails informing me about this trove. I'm proud to say I've been contacted by stalwart organizations ranging from the BBC, FBI, CIA, USSS, BMO, RBC and IMF, to FedEx, Microsoft, Google, Bank of Thailand, Bank Negara Malaysia, Sun Bank Offshore, Euro Lotto Board, Lotterian Italian, New Zealand Lottery Commission, and even the U.S. Postal Service. I've also heard regularly from a host of concerned foreign nationals like Emmanuel Bentil Owosu, Stephen Adu-Kwaning, Escot Esmahill Mollah, Zainur Bin Zakaria, Omar Bin Suleiman, Tan Wong, Leonardo Ricardo, Isaac Kabissa, Tim J.W. Tookey, Li Man-kiu, Adekunle Elvis, Dean Harry Esq., Fanny Ampah Esq., and Cobi Briggs Esq..
Lest you suspect that any of this might not be above board, or that anyone who believes random emails in badly butchered English from strangers in obscure lands is an argument for resurrecting eugenics, I know these to be upstanding citizens because most, regardless of who they represent, are lawyers, doctors, CEOs or accountants for either a rich person or a very important African bank. Many are also devoted Christians (Mrs. Farida Waziri, Mrs. Aatifa Traore, Mrs. Habatai Al-Amundu and Mrs. Adilah Spears come to mind), which clearly puts them above any suspicion. Besides, these poor women are all suffering from terminal cancers and need my help to execute a final wish — i.e., transferring their prodigious savings to a favoured charity in exchange for a modest cut. The noblesse oblige of such an act makes a fellow Christian quiver inside. It's the way the world should work; getting rich by aiding the suffering is something those selfish Canadian Conservatives might want to consider to improve their image.
The way this all came about is also unassailable. I'm on a list — in Nigeria I think (perhaps through some unknown dark-skinned ancestor, all the international development work I've done, or even my AirMiles account since these emails are often connected to Shell Netherlands, Europe Shell, or the Royal Dutch Shell Foundation). At any rate, when rich peeps die anywhere in the world my name is passed to their barristers/assistants/children as someone willing to help get hidden fortunes into the right hands. They obviously know I'm good at doing favours and wouldn't blink an eye at spending my own coin to help someone retrieve their rightful fund/inheritance/winnings, and wouldn't require anything in return (it would be nice, though unlike most humans I'm not motivated by money). The amounts these good folks need to move around range from 10s to 100s of millions, and believe me, my end adds up fast.
What really touches my heart, however, are the amazing stories of how these second parties came by such fortunes. Many of the money's original owners died in spectacular auto or plane accidents — it's obviously a dangerous world for the rich. I even heard from Ayesha Al-Gaddafi, daughter of the late Muyammar Gaddafi. Her family fled Libya for Algeria shortly after rebel forces took control of Tripoli (It was in the news so the rest must be true). She's a lawyer herself but couldn't leave Algeria due to international sanctions placed on her family and had just been informed by a lawyer in Ghana that her father had left £21,000,000 in an account in her name. She needed my help to transfer this through Canada to Algeria before the National Transitional Council in Libya found out. She was so desperate she even offered me a 70/30 split. It would cost just a piddling $200 CAD in transfer fees to get my hands on £14,700,000!
Accessing all my monies will requires similar small up-front costs. But I'm a little skint right now since the Pique owes me money so here's where you readers come in: every $100 contributed to my retrieval fund will net you $1,000,000. Just send personal details (name, age, all ID and bank acct #s) to my Nigerian barrister in the UK, Lord Ruben (firstname.lastname@example.org). Here's the best part: there's zero risk! I just got an email from a Mr. Ban Ki-Moon at the United Nations stating that his organization has agreed to compensate anyone that has been scammed in any part of the world with $850,000.00 USD each. How sweet is that?