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LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): What is your most far-fetched desire? I dare you to pursue it. What is the craving that would take you to the frontier of your understanding about yourself? I urge you to indulge it. Which of your primal wishes intimidates you as much as it enthralls you? I beg you to embrace it. APRIL FOOL! I don't really think you should try to carry out your most extreme fantasies. Maybe in a few weeks, but not now. I do hope, however, that you spend some time this week getting to know them better.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If you develop symptoms like a dry mouth, twitching eyebrows, sweaty palms, or goose bumps in places you don't usually get them, you may be suffering from a malady called anatidaephobia, which is the fear that you are being watched by a duck. So please, Virgo, try to avoid places where ducks congregate. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, you will not contract an exotic affliction like anatidaephobia any time soon. You may, however, notice yourself experiencing waves of seemingly irrational elation; you may frequently feel like something oddly good is about to happen. Why? Because according to my analysis of the omens, you are more likely than usual to be watched by secret admirers, future helpers, interesting strangers, and your guardian angel.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you're a straight man, this would be a good time to ask Halle Berry on a date. If you're a straight woman, you'll have a better-than-usual chance to get Jake Gyllenhaal to go out with you. If you're a gay man, you might want to try your luck with Adam Lambert, and if you're a lesbian, I encourage you to propose a rendezvous with Portia de Rossi. APRIL FOOL! I lied. It's never a good time to try to hook up with unavailable dream girls or dream guys. I will say this, though: You now have extraordinary power to turn yourself into a better partner, ally, and lover. And that suggests it's well within your means to cultivate a more exciting kind of intimacy.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): "Dear Rob: I just walked in on my boyfriend of over a year in bed with another woman. My mind is beyond blown; it's a splay of sparks in a drenched sky, a fireworks display in a downpour. Any advice on moving forward? Shocked Scorpio." Dear Shocked: I'll tell you what I'd like to tell all Scorpios right now: Start plotting your wicked revenge. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, revenge would be a dumb waste of your precious time. Any surprises that come your way in the coming days are basically disguised gifts from life to get you back on course. Use their motivational energy wisely and gratefully.