ARIES (March 21-April 19): This is an excellent time to study the book Assholeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way -- and Getting Away with it. In fact, the cosmos would not only look the other way if you acted on the principles described therein; the cosmos is actively encouraging you to be a successful jerk. APRIL FOOL! It's true that you're in a phase when it makes sense to be a little extra selfish and eager to bend the world to meet your needs. But according to my analysis, it's crucial that you do this politely and graciously.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20 ): It's a great time to get breast implants, a penis enlargement, a nose enhancement (if our nose is too tiny), or surgery to elongate your tongue. Anything you could do to yourself in order to stick out further and make a bigger impression would be in harmonious alignment with the astrological omens. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a dirty lie. Here are the facts: It's high time to work creatively and appreciatively with what nature has given you, not try to force it to accommodate some soulless desire.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20 ): Between now and April 16, you really should try to party every night. You should experiment with at least 100 different altered states of consciousness, and talk to at least 500 fascinating people, and explode with at least 800 fits of laughter, and change your mind at least 1000 times. You need massive stimulation, Gemini. You need record-breaking levels of variety and mood swings. Be everywhere! Do everything! APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this might be one of those times that the visionary poet William Blake was referring to when he said, "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom," please take care you don't end up slobbering face-down in the gutter without any pants on halfway along the road of excess. Remember the goal: to actually reach the palace of wisdom.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): You have cosmic permission to brag like a coked-up pimp. You have poetic license to swagger and show off like a rock star who has sold his soul for $30 million. You have my blessing if you'd like to act as if everyone in the world should be more like you. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a little. It's true that you have every right to seize more authority and feel more confident and spread your influence farther and wider. But the best way to do that is to explore the mysteries of humble courage and ply the art of magical truth-telling and supercharge your willpower with a big dose of smart love.