Features & Images » Horoscopes/Astrology


Week of March 31


ARIES (March 21-April 19): Sabotage all attempts at cooperation. Resist acts of unification. No matter what, refuse to forgive anyone. Your role models should be the Israeli rabbis who prayed for the failure of February's peace summit between prime minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Magmud Abbas. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding, of course. Don't you dare pray for continued dissonance, even if it seems to serve your short-range interests. It may not be obvious yet, but you're on the cusp of a breakthrough in your ability to blend your energies with others. You shouldn't let anything get in the way.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The mummified middle finger of Galileo's right hand is on display at a museum in Florence, Italy. I propose that you regard it as your sacred power object in the coming week. May it inspire you to flip the bird at everyone who crosses you. APRIL FOOL! While I do think you should derive inspiration from Galileo's middle finger, you should do so only at truly important moments. Not to express road rage, for God's sake; not to express disdain toward loudmouths using cell phones. Please, Taurus, flip a metaphorical bird only to protest the kind of high-level idiocy Galileo had to endure when the Church persecuted him for proving that the Earth revolves around the sun.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): To quote Malcolm X, you've been hoodwinked. You've been had. You've been lead astray. You've been bamboozled. Wake up and smell the deceit before it's too late, Gemini. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is a complete lie. Here's your real horoscope: You're actually very well-armed against illusion and delusion. At no other time in your life have you been less likely to get fooled or ripped off or manipulated. You have a sixth sense that allows you to sniff out hidden agendas that simmer beneath the official stories. This wonderful development is the result of your growing determination to be honest with yourself.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Several New Age futurists have predicted that the U.S. will someday have a Secretary of Prophecy, a cabinet-level official who uses shamanic insight to counsel the President on the health of the nation's soul. Personally, though, I can't imagine it will happen any time soon. And that's too bad, because I'm perfect for the job. My psychic powers are growing, as are my political skills, my practical compassion, and my vision of how to do what's best for the most people. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just bragged about is as much true about you as it is about me. We Crabs are in an astrological phase when many of us are becoming better equipped to serve as intuitive advisers to the powers-that-be. In fact, I suggest you start pushing for more responsibility and clout.

Add a comment