ARIES (March 21-April 19): I'm worried about your ability to sneak and fake and dissemble. These skills seem to have atrophied in you. To quote Homer Simpson, "You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!" Please, Aries, jump back into the game-playing, BS-dispensing routine the rest of us are caught up in. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just said was a filthy lie. In fact, I admire the candor and straightforwardness you've been cultivating. My only critique is that maybe you could take some of the edge off it. Try telling the raw truth with more relaxed grace.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You'll probably dream of falling off a cliff, or plunging out of a hot-air balloon, or skydiving without a parachute. I'm very disappointed in your unconscious mind's decision to expose yourself to such unpleasant experiences, even if they are pretend. APRIL FOOL! I told you a half-truth. While it is likely that you will dream of diving off a mountaintop or tumbling out of a hot-air balloon or flying through the big sky without a parachute, your unconscious mind has arranged it so that you will land softly and safely in a giant pile of foam padding and feathers next to a waterfall whose roaring flow is singing your name. Despite the apparent inconvenience in the first part of the dream, you will be taken care of by the end.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): On the Ghost Hunters TV program, paranormal researchers investigate places that are thought to be haunted by supernatural entities. One commercial for the show urges us, the viewers, to "Get fluent in fear!" That exhortation happens to be perfect advice for you, Gemini. APRIL FOOL! I lied. This is not at all a good time for you to get fluent in fear. But more than that. It's actually a momentous time to get un-fluent in fear. You have an unprecedented opportunity to stop casually exposing yourself to anxiety-inducing influences. You have amazing power to shut down that place in your imagination where you generate your scary fantasies. The conquest of your fears could be at hand!
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your gambling chakra is conspiring with your inner roughneck to pull a fast one on your dignity chakra and your inner wuss. If they get away with their scheme you may find yourself having ridiculous yet holy fun in high places. And I wouldn't be surprised if in the course of these hijinks, your spirit guides channeled some holistic karma into the part of your psychic anatomy that we in the consciousness business call your "spiritual orgy button." APRIL FOOL! Sorry if that sounded a bit esoteric. I was invoking some faux shamanic jargon in the hope of bypassing your rational mind and tricking you into experiencing a fizzy, buoyant altered state, which would be an excellent tonic for both your mental and physical health.