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LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Popular conceptions of Jesus depict him
as bearded and long-haired. Not so, declares fundamentalist Pastor Jack Hyles
on his website. He says Christ was clean-shaven and had a pixie-cut hairstyle
parted in the middle and curled up at the ends. After studying Hyles'
arguments, however, I believe his evidence is flimsy — just as I find no
merit in his implication that Jesus was a stuffy, prudish right-winger who
loved rich white men best and taught that we should eliminate people we
disagree with. So I'm sticking with my image of Jesus as a peaceful yet
rebellious hippie who didn't own property, hung out with social outcasts, was
strongly anti-authoritarian, and loved everyone, even his enemies. I bring this
to your attention, Leo, in the hope that you'll be inspired by my example. It's
time to revisit one of your best teacher's essential messages, and rededicate
yourself to those beautiful truths.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): With the help of a Norwegian space
facility, the Frito-Lay company has used radar to beam a commercial for its
Doritos tortilla chips to 47 Ursae Majoris, a star 42 light years away.
Astronomers believe that habitable planets circle the star, so any creatures
living there will eventually get an invitation to enjoy the crunchy corn
goodness that so many earthlings have sampled. I'm making this vignette your
metaphor of the week, Virgo. May it inspire you to formulate an
"advertisement" for yourself and your specialties that will spread
far and wide, reaching a new audience and activating your future potentials.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Please spend some time in the coming
week meditating on the epic tale of your life journey. Why? Because it would be
an excellent time for you to begin writing your autobiography. Don't tell me
you're afraid that such a project would be presumptuous. The way I see it, the
planets are aligned in such a way as to suggest that you now have extra insight
about the big picture of your destiny. So I hope you will at least create an
outline of the story you will eventually put down in words, complete with
predictions of what will be unfolding for you five years from today, and ten
years, and 15 years.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The bad news is that you are, metaphorically speaking, in jail. The good news is that a recent visitor sneaked you the key to the locked door of your cell. The weird news: You have not yet realized that you have the means to escape, since your visitor did not actually tell you that the key is hidden inside a certain thing he or she left behind. The great news is that I'm here to inform you about the situation. Once you locate the key, Scorpio, slip your hand between the iron bars so you can fit the key into the keyhole from the front. It won't work from behind.