ARIES (March 21-April 19): Writing in
The New York Times,
Paul Krugman waxed snide as he described the mindset
of the U.S. Congress. It "has always had a soft spot for 'experts' who
tell members what they want to hear," he wrote. It's very important,
Aries, that in the coming week you avoid that kind of behavior. In fact, I
recommend that you seek out people who have a track record for intelligent
objectivity, and ask them to tell you what you might
want to hear. At the very least, solicit insights
from thoughtful types who aren't inhibited about giving you their perspectives
on what you're doing. It's Feedback Season.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "Dear Rob Brezsny: I am Chandra
Gupti, born May 16, 1979 in New Delhi. Right now I am not well settled due to
searing problems and swampy hurt. Day by day my position goes down lower and
darker, with no lantern or rope ladder. So please tell me how long this foolish
suffering period will further corrode my hope. Give me at least a thousand
answers that will heal every test and trial as soon as possible. I will lie in
bed until you reply. Thank you. - Unraveled Taurus." Dear Unraveled
Taurus: I love you with all my heart and soul and mind. I have adored you since
the beginning of time and will worship your gorgeous genius until eternity
changes into infinity. Dear All the Other Tauruses in the World: Everything I
just told Unraveled Taurus I now say to you as well. (P.S. A divine tinkerer
will offer you a lantern and rope ladder within ten days. Hold on.)
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Maybe you have never been able to fly
before today, and maybe you won't be able to fly when November arrives, but I
bet you can fly now. Due to the benevolent cosmic agitation that has been
lightening your mood, you can probably, if you choose, soar over logjams, dance
above dark clouds, and do loop de loops in your dreams. Am I merely speaking
metaphorically? Yes and no. Is a spiritual orgasm "metaphorical"?
CANCER (June 21-July 22): One of the most famous pop culture
icons in Indonesia died last July. Mak Erot, who was over a hundred years old,
was renowned for her skill in helping men develop bigger penises. The official
story was that she used nothing more than prayers and herbs, but there are
hints that she also had supernatural powers. She's your patron saint this week,
Cancerian, even if you're a woman. I am calling on her inspiration, and I hope
you will too, to help you lengthen and strengthen your inner, metaphorical
phallus, by which I mean your will to accomplish your dreams.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Popular conceptions of Jesus depict him
as bearded and long-haired. Not so, declares fundamentalist Pastor Jack Hyles
on his website. He says Christ was clean-shaven and had a pixie-cut hairstyle
parted in the middle and curled up at the ends. After studying Hyles'
arguments, however, I believe his evidence is flimsy — just as I find no
merit in his implication that Jesus was a stuffy, prudish right-winger who
loved rich white men best and taught that we should eliminate people we
disagree with. So I'm sticking with my image of Jesus as a peaceful yet
rebellious hippie who didn't own property, hung out with social outcasts, was
strongly anti-authoritarian, and loved everyone, even his enemies. I bring this
to your attention, Leo, in the hope that you'll be inspired by my example. It's
time to revisit one of your best teacher's essential messages, and rededicate
yourself to those beautiful truths.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): With the help of a Norwegian space
facility, the Frito-Lay company has used radar to beam a commercial for its
Doritos tortilla chips to 47 Ursae Majoris, a star 42 light years away.
Astronomers believe that habitable planets circle the star, so any creatures
living there will eventually get an invitation to enjoy the crunchy corn
goodness that so many earthlings have sampled. I'm making this vignette your
metaphor of the week, Virgo. May it inspire you to formulate an
"advertisement" for yourself and your specialties that will spread
far and wide, reaching a new audience and activating your future potentials.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Please spend some time in the coming
week meditating on the epic tale of your life journey. Why? Because it would be
an excellent time for you to begin writing your autobiography. Don't tell me
you're afraid that such a project would be presumptuous. The way I see it, the
planets are aligned in such a way as to suggest that you now have extra insight
about the big picture of your destiny. So I hope you will at least create an
outline of the story you will eventually put down in words, complete with
predictions of what will be unfolding for you five years from today, and ten
years, and 15 years.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The bad news is that you are, metaphorically speaking, in jail. The good news is that a recent visitor sneaked you the key to the locked door of your cell. The weird news: You have not yet realized that you have the means to escape, since your visitor did not actually tell you that the key is hidden inside a certain thing he or she left behind. The great news is that I'm here to inform you about the situation. Once you locate the key, Scorpio, slip your hand between the iron bars so you can fit the key into the keyhole from the front. It won't work from behind.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A certain connection you've been
wishing for and fantasizing about will soon become available —
that is, you shed your expectations about how it
will come about, and
your ideas about what will happen after the two of you get together, and
you shed all hope of controlling that person's
feelings about you. In other words, Sagittarius, you can finally have the
alliance you want, but only if you no longer want it in the way you've wanted
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): For the next week, Capricorn, be
an expanded and intensified version of yourself. In other words, do what's most
unique about you, but do it even more and better and clearer than you normally
do. If, for example, your specialty is being an emotionally intelligent
organizer who artfully creates order, do that with even more flair than usual.
If you have an exceptional knack for building structures that bring out the
best in people, go crazy with that skill. It's a perfect moment for you to be
bigger than life. Why? Because you have more power than usual to change the
world around you.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The most important advice you need
to hear right now comes from musician Brian Eno, as quoted in
magazine: "I want to encourage you to sing... I
believe singing is the key to a long life, a good figure, a stable temperament,
greater intelligence, new friends, increased self-confidence, heightened sexual
attractiveness, and a sense of humor." You should note, however, that
Eno's prescription does not include performing for other people. He believes
it's crucial that you sing for your own pleasure, and not be concerned about
what others' reactions might be. You need "the freedom to get it
wrong." That's a perfect guideline for you to observe in everything you do
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In her poem "Pure," Kate Knapp Johnson speaks of "those who made me real to myself." I invite you, Pisces, to take an inventory of the people in your life who've made you real to yourself. That would be excellent homework for you to do during the phase of intensified intimacy you're now in -- a time when your allies are making even you even more real to yourself than you've ever been, as well as a time when you will be returning the favor to them.
Homework: I dare you to bestow a blessing on a person you've considered to be beneath you or alien to you. Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com.