By Rob Brezsny
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will soon uncover evidence that a seemingly innocuous hot dog vendor is actually creating an army of cyborgs in the sewer system under the streets. You will also make a citizen's arrest of a grandmother who's embezzling money from a children's charity to support her gambling habit. And in the most shocking development of all, you'll develop the psychic power to exorcise evil spirits that are threatening to demonically possess the Internet. APRIL FOOL! Your imminent future will be interesting, but not *that* interesting. More importantly, it will be interesting in distinctly non-pathological, unhysterical ways. Your adventures will revolve around healing, fun, and education, not trouble, danger, and chaos.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
make Feral Cheryl your role model. She's the anti-Barbie—a pierced,
dreadlocked, tattooed doll. She owns no stiletto heels, designer handbags, or
cheerleader outfits. Her only accessory is a stash of homegrown herbs. A
student of spiritual anarchy, she's a free-thinking activist who rejects all
"isms." Be like Feral Cheryl, Taurus. APRIL FOOL! I'd never try to
talk you into regarding a 13-inch-tall plastic doll as your role model, no
matter how cool she might be. But I do suggest you adopt some version of Feral
Cheryl's motto: "Love simply, live amply, run wild."
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): After meditating on the omens, I can't decide whether it's more accurate to say "This week will suck" or "This week will blow." APRIL FOOL! While it's true that your imminent experiences may resemble the kinds of pleasure that one human being can give another through a masterful use of the mouth and tongue, "suck" and "blow" have too many negative connotations to use them as metaphors. Let's say instead that the coming week will lick and slurp and drool.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Soon the Lord will return and handpick 144,000 saintly people to ascend with him into his perfectly hygienic gated community on a flying saucer where all the bathroom fixtures are gold and the Internet is contained in magic miniature iPhones that the lucky 144,000 will have implanted in their brains for instant access to the Lord's brain 24/7. And get this: YOU will be one of the 144,000! APRIL FOOL! The truth is, the Lord has already returned to earth in the form of a 14-year-old girl who lives in the Hell's Kitchen part of New York City, and we're all living in Paradise at this very moment. So no, there are no 144,000 saints who'll get extra-special privileges. But the coming week will be very lucky for you, and you will enjoy at least one wonderful new perk.