ARIES (March 21-April 19): It would be a great time to launch several new ventures all at once, even if it means abandoning an old project you've been working on for months. APRIL FOOL! Don't you dare do what I just suggested. The future won't thrive unless you lavish the past with the gift of your careful attention. Please please please put the finishing touches on a labor of love you've been working on for monthsand then start new projects.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Does the curse "goddamn it" fly out of your mouth every time you stub your toe or misplace your keys? Do you know the brand names of ten different beers but have trouble remembering any of the Ten Commandments? Do you sometimes undress people in your imagination without their permission? If so, says the Weekly World News , you're going to hell when you die many years from now. There is, however, a tiny chance you can begin some atonement now that will cancel out the karma from the above-named sins and stave off eternal damnation. APRIL FOOL! The acts I named aren't sins, and besides, there's no such thing as hell. However, it's true that this is a good time to seek forgiveness and try to correct old mistakes.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The number 6714 has always been devoid of any cosmic significance for you. It has failed to be involved with a single stroke of good fortune. But now it has burst into your life to serve as your lucky numberan omen of abundance, grace, and success. Your assignment: Make prodigious use of 6714. APRIL FOOL! There is no such thing as a lucky number, except in the sense that all numbers are lucky numbers for those people who believe they are lucky. Your real assignment is this, Gemini: Find a way to believe in your heart that for you, all numbers are lucky.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Watch out for fake pizza-delivery drivers who're actually trying to issue you a subpoena. Be careful you don't see a blood red sky at dusk, in case it's a bad omen predicting the outbreak of tribulations. Beware of the possibility that a large bird carrying a turtle to its nest accidentally drops its prey on your head from a great height. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, my fellow Cancerian, this should be one of the most worry-free weeks in the history of your life. You're welcome, of course, to dream up a host of scary fantasies if you find that entertaining, but I can practically guarantee that they'll all be illusory.