ARIES (March 21-April 19): The Drama Queen or Drama King within you is secretly plotting to raise the emotional stakes to record levels. For that inner extremist, mere adventure might not be enough; thunderous histrionics and romantic excess may be considered essential. While I have no problem with you enjoying a fevered fling, I don't think it's necessary to cross the line into delirious hysteria and volcanic excess. So here's what I'm going to suggest: Take your inner Drama Queen or Drama King for about ten rides on an actual roller coaster. That way he or she may not need to make your whole life into a roller coaster.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): There was a personalized California license plate on the yellow Hummer I saw today. It said "U Move." I took this to be the driver's announcement that he was king of the road and had no obligation to watch where he was going. He seemed to be saying that if you had a problem with him, you should get the hell out of his way. In the moment, I took this to be an idiotic communication from a belligerent jerk, but when I studied your astrological aspects for the coming week I realized it was actually a good motto for you to adopt. For a limited time only, you have the right to proclaim the following to anyone who thinks you should be anywhere else besides where you are: "No, you move."
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Let's say you were somehow able to travel to a comet as it approached the sun. Let's say you also brought a container in which you were able to capture all of the vapor from the comet's 5,000-mile gaseous tail. The container wouldn't have to be any bigger than a wine bottle, because there's not much actual stuff in the tail. This hypothetical project is a good metaphor for the work you have ahead of you in the coming week, Gemini. Vast volumes of hot air will contain only a tiny bit of rarefied substance. And yet that bit will be interesting and useful.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Can you keep your balance and your dignity while trying to sit on two fences at once? Can you be a friend to all, a servant of none, and a freestyle wheeler-dealer all at the same time? As you're flattered and criticized for the oddest reasons, and as people try to manipulate you and impress you, can you keep your ego from inflating and deflating like a hyperventilating lung? The answer to these questions is a definite maybe, Cancerian. For best results, be as dispassionate as a Buddhist monk and as brave as a drunk without actually getting drunk.