ARIES (March 21-April 19): Hip hop music definitely needs to include more tuba playing. I think that's what's missing from it. Likewise, the sport of skateboarding would benefit from having more dogs and monkeys that can master its complexities; the state of journalism could be improved by including more babies as reporters; and you Aries folks would significantly upgrade your life by learning how to play the game of cricket. (If you believe everything I just said, you'll be equally gullible when a little voice in your head tries to convince you to seek out things you don't really need or adopt behavior that doesn't suit you.)
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Among the ancient Anglo-Saxons, the month of May was called "Thrimilce." The word referred to the fact that cows were so productive at this time of year that they could be milked three times a day. I thought of that as I studied your current astrological data, Taurus. During this year's Thrimilce, you are almost impossibly fertile and abundant and creative. My advice is to give generously, but not to the point of exhaustion: the equivalent of three times a day, but not four.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In accordance with the astrological omens, I encourage you to seek out a concentrated period of sweet oblivion. Not a numb, narcotized limbo. Not a mournful unconsciousness that's motivated by a depressive urge to give up. No, Gemini: the mental blankness that you cultivate should be generated by a quest to rejuvenate yourself, and it must have qualities of deliciousness and delight. You not only have a need to rest and recharge in a lush nowhere -- you also have the right to do so.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): A while back, I gave my readers this homework: "Tell a story about the time a divine intervention reached down and altered your course in one tricky, manic swoop." A woman named Kelly testified as follows: "At first I was disturbed to find I couldn't identify the last time Spirit descended into my midst with a forceful intervention. But finally I realized why: I have been working to make my whole life be guided by the Spirit of my Higher Power, as a deep undercurrent. That way I don't need bolts of lightening to fix my course." This is a useful lesson, Cancerian. It's an excellent time for you to follow Kelly's lead. Ask yourself how you could cultivate a deep, abiding undercurrent of the good influence you want to have guide you, thereby making lightning bolts of divine intervention unnecessary.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The exact height of Mt. Everest has proved challenging to determine. Even using modern scientific methods, different teams of surveyors have come up with varying measurements. The problem is not simply with the calculations themselves. The world's tallest peak is definitely evolving. Shifts in the earth's tectonic plates work to raise it up and move it northeastward. But there's also evidence that the melting of its glaciers due to climate change is causing it to shrink. A member of one mountain climbing expedition said, "If Everest is bobbing up and down, we must hope to catch it on a low day." I bring this to your attention, Leo, in order to offer you a metaphor for the coming weeks. Your version of Mt. Everest is shriveling. Get ready to ascend.