ARIES (March 21-April 19): The Bible says you should kill adulterers, homosexuals, and brides who aren't virgins (Leviticus 20:13 and Deuteronomy 22:21). But I beg you not to do any such thing. The good book also asserts that it's OK to beat your servants as long as you don't go too far and murder them (Exodus 21:21). Again, I ask you to ignore this advice. I furthermore pray that you won't circumcise your heart, as recommended in Jeremiah 9:26. In general, Aries, it's an excellent time to free yourself from insidious absurdities that seeped into your brain from outmoded books, stale traditions, or sketchy teachings and theories you opened yourself to when you were younger. Seek out the inspiring shock of freshly minted wisdom.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Hotel employees in the U.K. report a
dramatic upsurge in naked sleepwalking by their guests. They're not referring
to people who merely get out of bed and stumble around their rooms in the dark.
These are bare, dream-drunk explorers who wander down the halls, knock on
strangers' doors, and visit the reception desk. In the coming week, please
monitor any tendencies you might have to engage in this type of behavior, or,
for that matter, in any slumbering adventures. The astrological omens suggest
you may be inclined to carry out complex actions or make important decisions
while not fully conscious. All week long, keep asking yourself this question:
"Am I truly awake right now?"
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): It's an excellent time to seek out new allies, expand your social network, and make connections with influences that will motivate you to grow smarter and stronger. Here are the kinds of connections you might want to be on the lookout for: 1. hard workers who find everything funny; 2. down-to-earth idealists who place no emotional value on having expensive possessions; 3. nerds who are cocky in mysterious ways; 4. humble perfectionists who obsess over the integrity of every little thing they do and then mock themselves for being so conscientious; 5. couples who hold hands and jump into big puddles with their nice clothes on; 6. sympathetic listeners who will kindly kick your ass if you need it.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Some readers get mad when I quote leaders they consider immoral. If you're like that, you may be upset that this horoscope cites Jack Welch. He was the longtime CEO of General Electric, which makes critical components for more nuclear weapons systems than any other company. (So says the Academy-Award-winning documentary film Deadly Deception: General Electric, Nuclear Weapons, and Our Environment. ) In my defense, my policy is to learn from everyone, even villains and adversaries I disagree with. The coming weeks will be an excellent time for you to adopt that same attitude. I suggest that you gather information from every useful source as you rev up and fine-tune your ambition. Now here are Welch's rules for success: 1. Control your destiny or someone else will. 2. Face reality as it is, not as it was or as you wish it would be. 3. Be candid with everyone. 4. Change before you have to.