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VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Arthur Turner, a Virgo reader from Austin, is upset with my recent horoscopes. In his email, he wrote the following: "You're making me mad with your predictions of non-stop positivity, Brezsny. I need more dirt and grit and muck. I've got to have some misery and decay to motivate me. So just please shut up with your excess projections of good times. They're bringing me down." Here's my response to him and to any other Virgo who feels like him: I'm afraid you're scheduled to endure even more encounters with cosmic benevolence in the coming week. If these blessings feel oppressive, try to change your attitude about them.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The humorous science journal Annals of Improbable Research published a paper entitled "The Effects of Peanut Butter on the Rotation of the Earth." Signed by 198 Ph.D. physicists, it came to this conclusion: "So far as we can determine, peanut butter has no effect on the rotation of the earth." If possible, Libra, I suggest you summon a comparable amount of high-powered expertise for your own purposes. But please make sure that those purposes are weightier than the question of peanut butter's role on our planet's movements. Round up the best help you can, yes; call on all the favours you're owed and be aggressive in seeking out brilliant support; but only for a truly important cause.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): September 16 is the first day of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. So begins ten days of repentance. Whether or not you're Jewish, Scorpio, you are entering an astrological phase when taking stock of yourself would be a brilliant move. That's why I invite you to try the following self-inventory, borrowed from the Jewish organization Chadeish Yameinu. 1. What would you like to leave behind from the past 12 months? 2. What has prevented you from living up to your highest standards and being your very best self? 3. What would you love to bring with you into the next 12 months? 4. Who served as a teacher for you in the past year? 5. Were you a teacher for anyone? 6. Is there anyone you need to forgive? 7. How will you go about forgiving?