ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Two seven-year-old girls showed me three tricks I could use to avoid taking myself too seriously and getting too attached to my dignity. I'm offering these tricks to you just in time for the letting-go phase of your astrological cycle. Trick No. 1: Speak in a made-up language for at least 10 minutes. Example: "Groftyp hulbnu wivgeeri proot xud amasterulius. Quoshibojor frovid zemplissit." Trick No. 2: Put a different kind of shoe and sock on each foot and pretend you're two people stuck in a single body. Give each side of you a unique nickname. Trick No. 3: Place an unopened bag of barbecue-flavoured potato chips on a table, then bash your fist down on it, detonating a loud popping sound and unleashing a spray of crumbs out the ends of the bag. Don't clean up the mess for at least an hour.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
In accordance with the astrological omens, I suggest you spend less energy dwelling in profane time so you expand your relationship with sacred time. If that's of interest to you, consider the following definitions. PROFANE TIME happens when you're engulfed in the daily grind. Swarmed by a relentless flurry of immediate concerns, you are held hostage by the chatter of your monkey mind. Being in SACRED TIME attunes you to the relaxing hum of eternity. It enables you to be in intimate contact with your soul's deeper agenda, and affords you extra power to transform yourself in harmony with your noble desires and beautiful intentions.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
About 1.7 million years ago, our human ancestors began using primitive hand axes made from rocks. This technology remained in use for more than 60,000 generations before anyone invented more sophisticated tools and implements. Science writer Marcus Chown refers to this period as "the million years of boredom." Its slow pace contrasts sharply with technology's brisk evolution in the last 140 years. In 1880, there were no cars, planes, electric lights, telephones, TVs, or Internet. I surmise that you're leaving your own phase of relatively slow progress, Gemini. In the coming months, I expect your transformations will progress with increasing speed — starting soon.
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
Prediction No. 1: You will attract truckloads of good luck by working to upgrade and refine the way you communicate. Prediction No. 2: You will tickle the attention of interesting people who could ultimately provide you with clues you will need to thrive in 2017. No. 3: You will discover secrets of how to articulate complicated feelings and subtle ideas that have been locked inside you. Prediction No. 4: You'll begin a vibrant conversation that will continue to evolve for a long time.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
You know you have a second brain in your gut, right? (If not, read this: http://bit.ly/secondbrain.) During the past three weeks, I have been beaming telepathic instructions toward this smart part of you. Here's an edited version of the message I've been sending: "Cultivate your tenacity, darling. Build up your stamina, sweetheart. Feed your ability to follow through on what you've started, beautiful. Be persistent and spunky and gritty, my dear." Alas, I'm not sure my psychic broadcasts have been as effective as I'd hoped. I think you need further encouragement. So please summon more fortitude and staying power, you gutsy stalwart. Be staunch and dogged and resolute, you stout-hearted powerhouse.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Is "Big Bang" the best term we can come up with to reference the beginning of the universe? It sounds violent and messy — like a random, accidental splatter. I would much prefer a term that suggests sublime elegance and playful power — language that would capture the awe and reverence I feel as I contemplate the sacred mystery we are privileged to inhabit. What if we used a different name for the birth of creation, like the "Primal Billow" or the "Blooming Ha Ha" or the "Majestic Bouquet"? By the way, I recommend that you consider those last three terms as being suitable titles for your own personal life story in the coming weeks. A great awakening and activation are imminent.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
The last few weeks have been fraught with rich plot twists, naked dates with destiny, and fertile turning points. I expect there will be further intrigue in the near future. A fierce and tender decision at a crossroads? The unexpected arrival of a hot link to the future? A karmic debt that's cancelled or forgiven? In light of the likelihood that the sweet-and-sour, confusing-and-revelatory drama will continue, I encourage you to keep your levels of relaxed intensity turned up high. More than I've seen in a long time, you have the magic and the opportunity to transform what needs to be transformed.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
In the coming days, you will have more than your usual access to help and guidance. Divine interventions are possible. Special dispensations and charmed coincidences, too. If you don't believe in fairy dust, magic beans, and lucky potions, maybe you should set that prejudice aside for a while. Subtle miracles are more likely to bestow their gifts if your reasonable theories don't get in the way. Here's an additional tip: Don't get greedy. Use the openings you're offered with humility and gratitude.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
When my daughter Zoe was growing up, I wanted her to be familiar with the origins of ordinary stuff that she benefited from. That's why I took her to small farms where she could observe the growth and harvest of organic food crops. We visited manufacturing facilities where cars, furniture, toys, and kitchen sinks were built. She saw bootmakers creating boots and professional musicians producing songs in recording studios. And much more. I would love it if you would give yourself comparable experiences in the coming weeks, Sagittarius. It's an excellent time to commune with the sources of things that nurture you and make your life better.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Unless you were brought up by a herd of feral donkeys, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to embark on your second childhood. Unless you're allergic to new ideas, the foreseeable future will bring you strokes of curious luck that inspire you to change and change and change your mind. And unless you are addicted to your same old stale comforts, life will offer you chances to explore frontiers that could expose you to thrilling new comforts.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): These days, my dear, your eccentric beauty is even more unkempt than usual. I like it. It entertains and charms me. And as for your idiosyncratic intelligence: That, too, is messier and cuter and even more interesting than ever before. I'm inclined to encourage you to milk this unruly streak for all its potential. Maybe it will provoke you to experiment in situations where you've been too accepting of the stagnant status quo. And perhaps it will embolden you to look for love and money in more of the right places.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
I'm giving you an ultimatum, Pisces: Within the next 144 hours, I demand that you become at least 33 per cent happier. Fifty per cent would be even better. Somehow you've got to figure out what you can do to enhance your sense of well-being and increase your enjoyment of life. I'm sort of joking, but on the other hand I'm completely serious. From my perspective, it's essential that you feel really good in the coming days. Abundant pleasure is not merely a luxury, but rather a necessity. Do you have any ideas about how to make this happen? Start here: 1. Identify your four most delightful memories, and re-enact them in your imagination. 2. Go see the people whose influences most thoroughly animate your self-love.
Homework: Read my response to the periodic Internet rumours that astrology is based on wrong assumptions, and that there's a 13th sign: http://bit.ly/13thsignhoax