Let's talk about sex, baby... It’s not just on the mountains that Whistler boys are extreme By Oona Woods So these surveys show up at work and imagine my surprise when (after careful Shere-Hiteish methodological analysis) I find out that people in this town are not waiting until their honeymoon to have sex. Apparently, it would seem that Barnaby Rudeies and Percy Filth are at large and roaming around town doin' the nasty in everyone's pants. In the interest of a carefully controlled social science study and a healthy sense of curiosity I grabbed... I mean... I was issued the male surveys. Then, because every good sociologist explains their methodology, I made little piles of the different ages, turned off Oprah and put the supermarket tabloids to one side for a waaaay better read. Now to get down to it. Just to introduce you to these lovely lads let me give you the general low-down as I know it. The first section covered the basic how old/how single/which sex would you rather shag stuff. In the 18-24 section every boy who responded is single, heterosexual and hasn't spawned any sprogs. The 25-32 year olds are all single apart from one divorcee and a co-habiter. Two guys are increasing their odds of getting laid by swinging both ways and one chap claims celibacy. All but one have no kids that they're aware of. The vast majority of 33-40 year olds of Whistler are heteroonies, still hanging on to the single life and also claim not to have procreated. Now, if you're a Whistler man about to hit 41 I would look out. Almost all of the 41 + respondees are married with kids. Weird. Act one: Batter's up Now this groovy little section is basically about how many times you asked someone out and did you jump into bed with them. The 18-24 team have been going around asking on average about two people out over the last year. It seems that "Ask and you shall receive" is the order of the day. The number of times guys asked girls out related exactly to the number of times it led to sex. Apart from one lad who is batting half and half having asked out 10 and got together with five. The date has only led to a relationship a couple times but obviously not a long one because they are all single. The 25-30 year olds aren't doing so well. But they are definitely asking more. Out of 66 requests for the pleasure of their company on an evening sojourn, the date led to sex 34 times and a relationship once. The 33-40 year olds have recovered their sexual prowess after this apparent tendency to dip between 25 and 30. Fifteen dates led to 15 frolics and even five relationships. Ahem, seems these married 41 plus dudes are still asking people out but not getting anywhere, apart from one guy who confuses me because he says he's asked out two people and this has led to over 10 sexual relationships. Either he didn't understand the question, the girls he asked passed on the message or he's telling us how many times him and his lady friend got it on. Thanks for all the info buddy. Stop the presses, here's a real shocker. Clear across the board givin' good face is the way to bring on the boys. Face, beauty or body are the first things that a guy is attracted to, apart from one new age-er who said "Aura." The 18-24-ers go face first, with a sense of humour and a personality creeping in as number one choice for the 25-32 crew. Have you randy-rogues realized a girl needs a sense of humour to go out with you? I had no idea what a bunch of saddo-sensitive-no-date-losers you 25-30 lads are (according to this highly accurate survey, at any rate.) Another enlightening finding is that there ain't nobody out there lookin' for a smartie-pants rich chick. Brains would have been last on the list if it wasn't for money. I've fed all this information into my computer where it just sat there until I came to the conclusion myself that the respondees perfect Whistler girl is a hottie with no job and no brains but a distinct sense of humour. Be careful what you wish for, mate. All the lads are completely sure that the first thing a woman is looking for is a hot body (transferral?). Only two think that personality comes into it and even more bizarrely, all but one put money last. Seems like that Perfect Whistler Boy is a broke, no-job with a body of Adonis and a brain the size of a walnut. Well girls, we got that and then some. When it comes to meeting the Woman-of-their-dreams, these lads go for bars first with "friends of friends" and "the workplace" coming tied for second. Only one boy strays away from the pack to say the mountains could be a hot bed of action. It seems that the rest keep their riding and their riding in totally separate compartments. That's not news either. In order to prepare for a date a surprising amount of the lads get their hair cut and buy new clothes before the other basic steps of putting on clean underwear and cleaning the house while hiding incriminating items. The bed sheets get changed and the condoms bought. However, there is a sizeable amount of the male population that simply prepares by getting loaded. Fair enough, really. Considering y'all aren't into money or brains you still want a professional to call baby. Musicians or doctors are appealing as all get out and "independent business owner" is right up there. Okay, so now Perfect Whistler Chick is a hottie, no brainer who bought a doctorate from some bible-belt university. When you finally get 'round to going on this date you don't want to go back to the bar you met at, or hang out with your friends. I suspect that the reason "bowling in Squamish" came up as a favourite option is because you don't want to bump into your friends when you're out. You don't want anyone to see you all rosy cheeked from scrubbing with your shorn hair cut and the condoms bulging out of your pocket. Especially all you wigged out 25-32 year olds who are probably still reeling from the shock of being accepted. Act two: The bases are loaded When did you first have sex? Most respondents were between 15 and 18. The over 41 club of course have to be startlingly different: 14,10, and 6 (that's called playing doctors and nurses, I think). I'm slightly concerned about the guy who was 27 for the first time and also lists all the Spice Girls as his favourite fantasy. Another lad was 23 years old and has slept with two people since then. Ahhhhh, that's so sweet, unless of course it was his 23rd birthday yesterday. Eighty per cent of you have had 0-2 partners in the last 12 months. The rest have had 3-5 and one studly-dude lays claim to over 10 different turns at bat. Notches on the bedposts for the 18 to 24 year olds range between three and 30 swipes. One lad wrote 100 then had some kind of attack of consciousness, scribbled it out and put 20. A random selection of the 25-32s goes like this; Lots, 70, above 40, 50, 30(?), 30, 2, 6, 13, 2, 80+ (my but someone's been busy). Those 33-40 year olds are all in the upper 50s to 80s and believe me, you don't even want to know about those dirty old over 41 buggers. Suffice to say one of them says, "I didn't know there was gonna be a test, I lost count." All in all, among those who can remember or didn't just write "lots" or "many" 25 men reckon they've slept with 972 women. That means to be Mr. Average in Whistler's beautiful resort town municipality you should have shagged 38.88 women. If you decide the guy who wrote 301 is lying then you can take that total down to 26.84 women. As for how long you wait before putting on the moves it seems that the first date is a hot favourite (there was no room on the form for "but did you still respect her, man?"). We forgot to ask the precise quantity of alcohol involved in First-Date-FunkyFlings but our highly trained team of professionals would put they’re money on "A 40 ouncer or so." Two or three weeks is the second favourite and one week comes third. It appears that if the first big push doesn't get you over the top you're willing to wait a couple weeks before launching another offensive. There are people out there who normally date a month or even a few months before making whoopee. They mostly reside in the 25 to 30 category. Quelle surprise. Only one person said they didn't practice safe sex, and condoms were the most popular method of making sure the fluids don't jive. Other suggestions for safe sex were a "body condom," "oral sex" or "hot water and tight underwear." Just under half of the responders have had some kind of sexually transmitted disease, with pubic lice and chlamydia the hot party favourites. One real charmer has slept with 50 people and can list gonorrhoea, pubic lice and genital warts among his talents. Oh baby it's a wild world. I don't know how almost half the lads got the gifts that keep on giving when they swear they practice safe sex. I guess it must be those toilet seats in which case they should rename STDs TTDs. Only a few people think they would be less picky if a vaccine against all STDs was discovered. Now are these men hot to trot? Do they rock the world or suck baby ducks? Left to their own devices they almost all declared themselves to be "Very Good" as a lover (that was the highest category available, if there had been a "Porn King's Inspiration" box I think it would have been used). There were a few cute "Unsure" ones and a "Needs Work," but on the whole Whistler is apparently steaming and seething with sexual savvy and love-hunks lurk on every corner. ...............Sorry, had to go pick up all my papers. I dropped them when I fell off my chair laughing. Okay, moving along here, everyone performs oral sex, everyone thinks about other people during sex, everyone but one masturbates constantly and over two-thirds of the likely lads have cheated on a steady sexual partner. Ain't nothing here my mother didn't tell me first. Most of the cheating happens with those rascals in the 25-32 set. Just can't commit, eh? In our Have You Ever? section I found out that a threesome is as common as mud. I'm a little bit surprised Whistler homes don't just come equipped with a triple bed as standard issue. There's a lot of little boys engaging in orgies and bondage is so prevalent it's positively passé. It seems Rope Burns R Us. Toy Boys, Sugar Daddies, Sugar Boys and Toy Daddies every one of you. It is common to take your extreme sports into the bedroom and go for all the age opposites you can find. And then after all this debauchery, most of you fantasize about phone/internet sex. What's with that? Isn't that like leaving the rockin' party to go next door and listen through the walls? Act three: Time for a smoke break Whistler's man about town will talk on a regular basis about sex. Only a few talk to their lovers exclusively, the rest go about blabbing to the hills, their dog and the occasional therapist. Some share fantasies with their friends and a large amount boast. Boasters range in age from 18 to 41+. The biggest sexual fears are "AIDS" and "Lack of Sex," tied for first place, closely followed by "Your Infidelity being found out" and "Pregnancy" gives you the screaming heebie jeebies. Finally, a few sensitive little souls fear "Emotional Pain." Of course, all but one of them are in the 25-32 category. Drug use during sex is a popular little pastime ("Honey can you just move your foot slightly to the left, I can't get this needle out.") with Ecstasy fuelling the ecstasy, followed by alcohol, pot and cocaine. The number one best place to have sex is a hot tub, according to the wags, fops and bounders that completed the survey. Second best place is a chairlift or a gondola and third is public areas. A few said "My Roommate's Bed," maybe just to make you squirm, and a "My Parent's bed." Waterbeds were also very popular. Such a bunch of nature boys need to be near the elements at all times I guess. Whistler Man's fantasy women are the Spice Girls. Although they were only one person's first choice they got the most votes. Courtney Cox led the pack with the second most votes, then Elizabeth Shue, Demi Moore and Sharon Stone shared third place. Michele Pfeiffer was fifth while Briget Fonda and Sandra Bullock came in sixth in the fantasy stakes. Gillian Anderson and Linda Evangelista took seventh and Janet Jackson eighth. Pamela Anderson Lee would have been last if Barbarella's Jane Fonda hadn't been included in the list. People in Whistler that you most want to sleep with? Well it goes like this: The girl I love (awww), My Girlfriend and her best friend, The girl at the WestBeach Store, Jennifer P., Claudie S., Les E., Shirene, None of your business, Les E., Les E., Donna, Lisa H., Beth, Still trying to find out her name, Christi W., Marni, Paula and The young lady who gave me this survey. So now you know what's out there. Don't say we never warned you. And the women say… Girls just want to have fun, and talk about it By Velvet Jones A few weeks ago, when we were planning to produce this special Valentine's edition, Oona Woods and I considered penning a column simply entitled, "Where have all the women gone?" This was considered during a tour of the local bars, the best place to drum up story ideas and as our survey has indicated, the top draw for the lovelorn. The column, we pondered, would discuss the mysterious and gradual disappearance of eligible Whistler women and the apparent inundation of men to the resort. Could there be a threat of extinction of the softer, kinder, gentler sex? This idea gave way to a greater desire to let the masses speak for themselves. And they did, via Whistler’s first sex survey. Booty. Doin’ the nasty. Makin' whoopee. Gettin' it on. Shaggin’, baybee. Call it what you want, the Whistler Woman is an active gal, or so it would appear. Of the 250 surveys circulated around town, 72 were returned and of those 58 per cent were completed by women. Out of that number 94 per cent were between 18 and 32 years old. If you do the math, you will realize few surveys were returned by women over 33, possibly suggesting that the younger crew are a bit more bawdy than Whistler’s older set, or maybe they just like to let people know about their exploits. For the purpose of this exercise, we'll concentrate on the 18 to 32 crew, as subdivided into two groups — 18 to 24 and 25 to 32. As Miss Woods has explained, the survey was divided into four acts, the first being an introduction to the field. Of those women surveyed, 73 per cent were single with no dependants. Eighty-one per cent were heterosexual. A mere 15 per cent claimed to be bi-sexual, and one gal was brave enough to insist she was celibate. Act one: Batter’s up The most commonly debated issue among women is the date. Should women ask men out. As a man, my only suggestion is quite simply, yes. For centuries men have been delivered the uneasy task of competing for a woman’s attention. Tradition has made us the chaser, and women the chased (or is that chaste?). We have been led to risk it all, everything from embarrassment to public humiliation if denied. Welcome to 1998. Our survey suggests that the women’s liberation movement has secured a strong foothold in the dating wars: o 66 per cent had asked someone out on a date in the last 12 months, and 77 per cent of those had asked out one or two people, while 33 per cent had willed up enough courage to ask out three to five people. And what are they looking for? A pretty face with personality. Under the question, "What is the first thing that attracts you to someone?" a person’s face ranked first, followed by personality, humour, body and brains. And what do women think men are looking for? A pretty face with no brains. Given the lack of a theatre and cultural features in Whistler, it comes as no surprise that the favourite meeting place of the sexes is the bar, and we’re not talking Squamish provincial court. Nightclubs and restaurants ranked one and two respectively in the "where to meet someone" and "where would you like to be taken" categories. If you’re not a bar hound and seeking companionship, then your other options are skiing/snowboarding, a private event, house party and the non-committal "other." Chances are when the date occurs, she’ll be wearing a fragrance (#1 among 25-32 year olds, #2 among 18-24) or special underwear/lingerie (#2 among 25-32, #3 among 18-24) or something new (#1 among 18-24, #3 among 25-32), and their house will be clean (#4 for both). Employment status is definitely in the mix of whether you’re going to get to first base, second base or even up to bat. Roughly 38 per cent said the person’s occupation is "important" when selecting who to date, compared to 34 per cent who said it’s "not so important." What you do differs only slightly between the 18-24 and 25-32 groups. If you own your own business (#1 among 18-24, #2 among 25-32) you stand a much greater chance than if you work in construction, or are a doctor, government employee or collect unemployment. Professionals were not far behind (#1 among 25-32, #2 among 18-24), and honourable mentions went to "bar staff," "musician" and "realtor." Realtor? Act two: The bases are loaded If you comb the Information Highway, there are a multitude of nifty web sites dedicated to sex surveys. In fact, typing in "sex survey" in the Yahoo search engine alone yielded 25 matches on Tuesday, including a link to a site dedicated to foot fetishes. Punching in "sex" brought up 2006 matches. Much of this survey was compiled from three net surveys, a survey in Details magazine and the Durex condoms web site (www.durex.com). If you download the Durex site, you will be greeted with a nifty comparison of the sexual habits and histories of the world’s nations. For example, the average Hong Kong resident is roughly 19 when "the first time" occurs. Russians are similarly timid, preferring to wait until they’re 18.2 years old before doing the deed. According to the Durex survey, North America is where all the action is happening, with Americans leading the way starting at 15.8 years followed closely behind by the Canadian contingent at 16.2 years. In Whistler, our survey would suggest women are a little more reserved about sex, preferring to wait until they’re all of 17, although one person who wrote in may have skewed the results with their initial exploits at 13. The average total number of different partners for the 18-24 crowd is 11.2, compared to 13.6 for the 25-32 group. And it would appear that the younger the woman the longer they wait until initiating or partaking in the deed — one month for 18-24 year olds, as compared to two/three weeks for 25-32 year olds. This, of course, would lend credibility to the belief that a woman reaches her sexual peak in her early 30s. The good news is almost all (94 per cent) of survey respondents practise safe sex, and the condom is the favoured choice of protection. But it may have not been enough because one-quarter of the 25-32 group had contracted some form of sexually transmitted disease at some point in their life. The 18-24 group were less tainted, a mere 8 per cent having suffered the STD wrath. Here’s a question to ask yourself: If science developed a foolproof vaccine against all sexually transmitted diseases tomorrow, how would this change your sexual habits? a) be less picky (7 per cent) b) be more conservative (3 per cent) c) wouldn’t change things (90 per cent). It would seem that while Whistler women are indeed sexually active, they also make great lovers. Over 51 per cent rated themselves as "very good," compared to 34 per cent who modestly said they were "OK." Personally, I’d like to meet the one who claimed she was "%%# amazing!" On the upside when they finally get you into bed, women 18-32 are most likely to perform oral sex (97 per cent), but they may be thinking of someone else during sex (81 per cent) and if you’re not doing the job right, they’ll probably look for it elsewhere (75 per cent have cheated on a steady sexual partner). Although cheating may be on their minds, 82 per cent of respondents boasted at least one relationship lasting three years or more. Act three: Time for a smoke break So you’ve done the deed. You’re exhausted. Sleep was not a factor. Do you chew your arm off or do you marry the man? Or do you reconsider your options and run to someone for advice? Chances are you’ll be sharing your exploits (81 per cent) with a friend sometime soon and those discussions will involve asking advice (71 per cent), giving advice (69 per cent) or sharing your fantasies (74 per cent). And the main topic of discussion might be AIDS, which was number one on the minds of respondents when it comes to sexual fears. Emotional pain was runner-up. Perhaps one way to avoid AIDS and emotional pain altogether would be to pull a Seinfeld. Are women masters of their own domain? Oh yeah, ooooohhh yeah. Three-quarters of respondents said they, uh, well... you know. Drug use was quite prevalent among the 18-32 crowd, with 69 per cent suggesting they had used either alcohol (#1), marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine and/or magic mushrooms to heighten the experience. That experience was likely to occur in a hot tub or public building, although I think I have a rather studious friend for the gal who favoured the Vancouver Public Library as the best place to shag. Act four: Safe at home Two years ago Pique ran a personals column, with little effect. Not long after the Whistler Question jumped on the bandwagon and those listings too have since disappeared. In a small town such as ours, personal ads just don’t seem to fly. Not one respondent to our survey had either answered or run a personal ad. So don’t expect the newspapers to solve your love woes. Speaking of love, that is exactly what the majority of Whistler women (55 per cent) are seeking, with companionship second (30 per cent) and romance a distant third (9 per cent). But what’s love got to do with it? If you’re a celebrity your chances of being fantasized about are well above average (67 per cent of women do it). And if you’re Brad Pitt, say no more. Pitt was selected as the "ideal male fantasy," narrowly edging out The Batman, George Clooney, and Leonardo DiCaprio, star of the Poseidon Adventure, or something like that. How does this compare to the rest of Canada? According to Durex, our fellow Canadians think Tom Cruise is boff, followed closely by Mel Gibson and Pitt. The final survey question — If you could have sex with anyone in Whistler, who would that person be? — was probably the most challenging and least discreet of all, and yielded a variety of fascinating responses. In the interests of confidentiality, and potential public embarrassment, we won’t list them here. But let’s just say that if you’re in politics, like Roots products and have cleaned a few flues in your time, then you’re considered a "hot property" in the eyes of several Whistlerites.