As a new part-owner of General Motors, I have to say I'm pleased as punch. Whether it's date night at the drive-in, family night at the drive-thru, or a good-natured game of chicken with the edge of a cliff, you just can't beat owning a car. I call mine "Greased Lightning."
Cars are the way of the future, by golly! Whole towns and cities are being built around cars these days (the 1950s), with new highways and parkways, drive-thru banks, drive thru restaurants, drive-thru dry cleaners - heck, you can drive thru just about anything these days. That's what personal freedom is all about, the open road.
Sure, it's a long haul from Pine Creek to the city and to the malleria now that Main Street has been paved over to make way for a turnpike, but they can always add more lanes, bridges and tunnels in the future... if flying cars haven't been invented yet.
What's that? Take the bus? Please, Louise! Public transportation is for squares! I poured malted milks at Mr. Grower's Pharmacy all summer to buy myself Greased Lightning so I wouldn't have to take the bus.
Carbon dioxide? Easy now, poindexter, what's that exactly? A colourless, odourless gas? That will build up in the atmosphere and gradually warm the surface of the planet? Hey, I think somebody's been reading too many comic books!
What? Thousands of egghead scientists say that's a bad thing? So I guess I won't be buying a school sweater this year...
Climate change? I guess it is pretty hot, but all I have to do is roll the windows down and put the pedal to the metal if I want to get a breeze. Maybe rip the sleeves off my white t-shirt...
Drought? Melting glaciers? Whatever you say, big daddy. I have places to go, and I like to get there fast if you know what I mean. Where? I dunno - glee cub meetings, baseball games, movie shows, that kind of thing. Mostly I just cruise around and look for girls. And how!
Now what? A carbon tax you say? Why on earth would somebody want to do that? Last time I checked this wasn't Russia, bub, I have a right to drive anywhere I want, anytime I feel like it. Let the people who take the bus pay for the bus.
Okay, whatever, I'll pay the stupid tax - a few cents a gallon is no big deal, I'll just pick up a few extra shifts a month as a roller skating waiter... Huh? What's a "litre?" Sounds French or something...