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An explanation for this summer’s events


News item: Late summer and fall are the prime months for UFO sightings, according to the 2000 Canadian UFO Survey. Last year one-third of the 263 UFO sightings reported in Canada were in August and October. British Columbia consistently has the largest number of UFO sightings in the country; 102 last year. No alien abductions or alien contacts were reported by Canadians in 2000, marking the third straight year in which creatures from outer space appear to have shied away from making direct contact with humans.

Well of course there weren’t any reports of abductions. Anyone knows by now that when the aliens take you into their spaceship for a physical examination they delete the whole experience from your brain. After they’re done they kick you out of the ship and take off, leaving you bewildered and standing next to a big crop circle.

Once you understand these alien abduction techniques some of this summer’s events make more sense.

For instance, Stockwell Day obviously spent some time in alien captivity, and they may still be controlling what’s left of his mind. How else do you explain his offer to resign but to include a time limit on the offer? And how can someone who rode to a media interview on a personal watercraft (probably launched directly from an alien spaceship) be surprised when his caucus abandons him?

The senator who wants to neuter O Canada is obviously being controlled by aliens. Vivienne Poy thinks the third line of the song – "in all thy sons command" – is a sexist relic of privileged patriarchy. Well so are a lot of senators, but there haven’t been any calls to neuter them.

Senator Poy would like the words changed to "in all of us command" or "in all of our command" – an obvious attempt to include aliens in the nation’s anthem. They control the leader of the Opposition, they re-write the anthem… the next step is obvious.

Officials in Jean Chretien’s office maintain the prime minister didn’t influence the RCMP in their crackdown on APEC protesters at the 1997 summit. Taking down protest signs, pre-emptive arrests, strip searches were all decisions made by the RCMP, the PMO says. Chretien, a puppet of the aliens, just doesn’t remember issuing the orders.

But why was it so important that Indonesian President Suharto be spared from seeing protesters? Perhaps because Suharto was an alien himself and needed access to the prime minister.

Alien abduction and brain washing is the only explanation for George W’s penchant for tearing up treaties signed by countries around the world. Years of international compliance with anti-missile agreements went out the window with the launch of the National Missile Defense, George W’s $8.3 billion missile shield. But who is really going to control space, George W or his alien masters?

The remaking of Planet of the Apes has alien fingerprints all over it.

Stan Hagan, the minister responsible for sustainable resource management in the newly minted B.C. Liberal cabinet showed signs of involuntary incarceration by aliens when he announced this week he would review the NDP decision to protect part of the South Chilcotin wilderness area. Never mind that the area has been proposed as a park since 1937. Ignore the five years of study and debate that local representatives invested in the land use process. Life forms from another planet have other interests.

And finally, what’s with all these former Whistlerites resurfacing in Colorado? Roger McCarthy, Patrick O’Donnell, David Barry, David Perry and now Susan Darch. Obviously the aliens have infiltrated Whistler-Blackcomb.