Dear faithful readers, trusted sources and friendly acquaintances. If we happen to cross paths at any time over the next three weeks — and more specifically, the latter days of those three weeks — do not judge me.
The aggressive, unnerving red moustache distracting you from our conversation is for a good cause.
By now you've probably heard of Movember, the month-long, men's-health-awareness campaign that sees men go au naturel (upper-lip wise) for the entire month of November.
It's stupid and gimmicky, but all in good fun.
It's really the only month of the year where the moustache gets the widespread attention it did in its glory days.
But how did the moustache get so popular in the first place?
As far as facial hair stylings go, it's kind of an odd one, don't you think? Who was the first person to shave all of the hair off of his face, except for that above his upper lip? I'd imagine it was a gesture of symbolic harmony with the eyebrows, but from my extensive research on that particular topic (for an unrelated but equally significant project, ask me about it over beers sometime), eyebrows were a product of evolution. Humans actually developed eyebrows to keep water and dirt and stuff out of their eyes.
As far as I can tell, the moustache serves no physical purpose whatsoever, other than to collect soup particles and possibly smell bad? (I can't tell — mine lives under my nose so I am literally smelling it all day.)
As a journalist, it's my job to research and report important stories, so I took the time to Google some moustache history to share with everyone.
Apparently, humans have been experimenting with their face hairs pretty much since the beginning.
From Encyclopedia Britannica: "Prehistoric cave drawings show that clam shells, shark's teeth, and sharpened flints were used as shaving implements. Solid gold and copper razors have been found in Egyptian tombs of the 4th millennium BCE."
But shaving "did not become customary until the 5th century BCE."
Meanwhile, in 2015, I have monthly fresh razorblades shipped to my doorstep for like $8 through the Dollar Shave Club (if you're still shelling out hundreds every year to the corporate cash-suckers like Gillette, I highly recommend making the switch).
And according to infallible online knowledge bank Wikipedia, the first recorded instance of a moustache is in a portrait of "an ancient Iranian horseman from 300 BC."
So essentially, some historical Middle Eastern hipsters started a cutting-edge trend that stayed honestly (if intermittently?) fashionable for centuries before dropping off and becoming an ironic symbol of men's health awareness.
Isn't humanity fascinating?
We've spent hundreds upon hundreds of years living, dying, learning and trying new things, curing diseases, building, inventing and — holy shit — evolving — and all of it has led to me sitting here in front of this screen, writing a column about my moustache to be read mostly by strangers.
To my brave, heroic, long-suffering but ultimately victorious ancestors, I'm sorry.
But I won't kid you — I love this stuff.
History, human nature, science — more broadly, life and almost everything about it — all of it is just so fantastic and weird.
It is an incredible privilege just to be sitting here, healthy, happy and alive, sipping my coffee and pondering the intricacies of human nature and life itself.
And that's why Movember, underneath all of that distracting bushiness, is actually a solid initiative.
Like any charity (or anything, really), it has its detractors — how much good is it really doing? Is the money going to the right places? Oh my god, moustaches are gross — but the charity's annual financial reports are published online and from a base-level scan, Movember appears to be funnelling a ton of cash towards men's health initiatives every year.
We all want to stay healthy. If we don't take care of ourselves, how are we supposed to reap the benefits of our ancestors' epic struggles?
So when you see me in the village, offensive red moustache blowing in the wind, don't look away. Stare deep into its auburn roots and then go to the doctor for a check-up — your ancestors will thank you.
If you have spare money and want to support my moustache financially, you can do so here: mobro.co/bradendupuis.
Moral support — much needed in this most hairy and lonely of months — can be sent via email or text.