Opinion » Maxed Out

If you can't beat them... join them

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I've decided to join the three per cent. Only problem is, I suspect it's not the exclusive club I think it is. Three per cent is probably too modest a measure of membership. It wouldn't surprise me at all if the numbers are all backwards and it's actually the 97 per cent I'm joining, or have already joined, or have simply been a part of my whole life and just didn't know it.

While I wouldn't mind joining the much more exclusive "one per cent" club, all those cigar-sucking, golden parachute-poppin', champagne-swillin' bazillionaires the 99 per cent were so pissed off at a while ago when they decided to occupy everything, I don't think they'd be willing to lower the admissions bar to someone so lacking in wealth, income and attitude. Too bad, they look like they're having fun.

The three per cent club I've decided to join is the Climate Change Deniers Club. The CCDC largely consists — at least at this moment — of those handful of "scientists" who, while perhaps believing in climate change, believe it's just a natural phenomenon, kind of like night and day or the change of seasons. They don't believe it's caused by anything you and I and the captains of industry are doing. If they believe in climate change at all they just believe climate change happens. Don't worry, be happy... and warm.

While only three per cent of "scientists" who purport to study the issue believe it's as natural as, say, gravity, something closer to 97 per cent of Republicans in the U.S. and Conservatives in Canada believe it. Perhaps 100 per cent of everyone in the oil and gas industry believes it, assuming they believe in anything other than short-term profit and reducing industry-killing regulation.

Naturally, I'm not completely comfortable finding myself in such low company. But I fear there's simply no option.

The reason I've come to this conclusion and joined the club is because nothing else makes sense to me. If man-made climate change were real, an enlightened species with opposable thumbs would have done something more substantial about it by now than making the Toyota Prius. Wouldn't it?

If I still believed in climate change, I don't know how I'd square the idea of scientists, politicians, academics and activists from 200 countries boarding fuel-sucking, emissions-spewing aircraft to all fly to Doha, Qatar — a city that would still have a higher population of camels than people were it not for energy intensive air conditioning — to once more engage in global climate change masturbation, the outcome of which is a foregone conclusion.

Doha is the sequel to Durban (2011), Cancún (2010) and Copenhagen (2009), et.al. All the episodes have been increasingly numbing gatherings of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change. The UNFCCC is — you can be forgiven for not knowing this — an international treaty signed by nearly 200 countries to "cooperatively discuss global climate change and its impact," discuss being the operative word.

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